in the mirror.....

well blog.. i havent really been keeping up on my blogging not because i havent wanted ... just really havent been in the mood to write. latley its less that i want to write and more that i want to cry..ore that i feel alone and that its pointed out to me. i am alone though. i dont have a mate.. or a bf.. or friend with benfits anymore.. i did at one time.. i made some important changes not to my physical person but inside.. i did.. my sexuality that is. i have done it three times. i know astonishing. hahah.. but i did.. and i was happy to do it.. it made me feel umm more experienced for once..like i chose something for once.. no one chose it for me and i didnt consult anyone over the decision i just decided i wanted to and i did.. of course with someone i trust.. ty for that... to him at least... though he does not read this blog he deserves the credit for not making me feel like a child.. but always treating me with respect  and like an adult.. its refreshing... anyways...

i looked in the mirror the other day and i looked and didnt see someone i liked.. i saw staring back at me... someone who was sad and not depressed.. but lost.... and i keep looking at this person i see in the miror and i say to myself.. who is that person.. i do not recognize her.. and that is a sad thought indeed.. i wish i could gain that smile back.. but life happens and people break your heart.. and i dont have a good poker face... it shows in my eyes.. and i cannot make it not... i avoid the mirror.. because i see myself without the mirror a pretty girl.. who is trying to live happily in the world where happiness does not always come easy.. but when the mirror is there i see a person whom the world has gotten to and who is more negative then positive.. and spirit seems a bit dimished... i want to cry so much.... but its my fault... the person in the mirror is me.. and my self image is not good.. its sad to think back and say i used to be able to smile at myself and others... and now others see the change... and have commented on it and im not sure how to get the smiling girl back ... the one that was all innocence and fun times... not the seemingly loner she has become..

lifes not all rainbows and pretty streams in a forest full of wonderful things.. its stess of traffic work and bills.... its bad self image and low self esteem.. its depression and broken hearts... lifes full of drastic and dramatic.. full of doubt and negativety.. and rarley anymore do you see positive things happen.. maybe sometimes it willl happen.. but not often.... someday i hope that will change and we will return to the day when you could still believe in rainbows and pretty streams in a forest full of wonderful things and happy endings... believe that these things do come true.. 

everday it gets harder

to live this life in this time

to dream is a foreign concept

only for those who live in hollywood

gone are the days of rocking chair on porches

and a pretty sunset with your best friend

bring on the traffic and the smog

the politics and back stabbers

its all that is today

its sad for sure 

what will we do 

to get back to that time 

a time of easy strolls on the sidewalk

and a smile for a stranger

for tea time and nap time

for love and passion

for friendship and trust

when will it happen for us to see

true comroddary among all of us

maybe not today and not tomorrow..

but i hope for the future... that it wont be far off.....