anyways..
outside at work im this happy person... always smiling ... only sometimes faltering.. i dont ever tell anyone the real problem... or whats really bothering me.. i stick close the the cation attitude changes without notice thing.. you never know.. but really people can read me like an open book... i may lie but if they really know me... i dont lie well.. i try to avoid this subject but i thought now ight be a good time to write out about it...
theres something deep inside that hurts when your parents are divorced.... even if you know it was for the better.. and i do.. ive accepted and moved on from that point for a long time now.. but what really hurts is that i wish i had the same loving easy companionship with my dad as i do with my mom. every time me and my dad get togather.. its silent or with stilted conversation.. i cant talk to him.. he doesnt understand me nor does he put the effort towards understanding me. all he seems to really care about are the materalistic things.. like making money and schooling and getting my car to the perfect state of clean... he knows i enjoy books but doesnt know what i like.. i would like to once get a gift from him that was actually from him and not a gift card... and not from my step mom... i would like to see him more then a once every few months.. and i would like to hear from him once in awhile a phone call... every time he calls and leaves a voice mail im like a kid in a candy store.. i stop what im doing and i listen to his message and call him back.. and i just for wish once could feel like my dad actually wanted to connect with me.. not because my brother reminds him that he has a daughter or because my step mom mentions my name.. but because he remembers me and wantes to hang out with me.. i know my dad loves me.. but i want him to take an interest in me.. like i try to do with him... and it hurts to think that as the holidays come and go.. and each year passes.. our relationship remains the same.. a cold distance... and once a while that warmth comes in full throttle and its so nice to be near that but for months at a time it feels like i dont exist to him... just when he feels like being a dad..... its sad really.. i hope that if i ever have kids that my husband will be able to be a true father to his kids and not just a now and the dad.. that i pick the right guy... for me.. and for my future.. last thing i need to be with is something like my dad..
1 comment:
Hun have you actually flat out told your dad how you feel? He might feel some guilt over all of this, and that can lead people to keep the gaps further rather than get closer. Perhaps if you talked to him and shared with him how you feel, he might realize how much you need him.
HUGS.
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