well ok.. i got my PE or personal evaluation.. no i didn't get a raise.. i know i totally suck!! but whatever.. my manager said she has seen improvement and that because it was signed in october she could revaluate me in january and i could have a possibility of actually getting a raise.. which rocks!!

on a kinda bad note she said some stuff that kinda maybe me think twice.. at first i thought maybe it was just her.. but knowing my manager a little better now.. its not it was true.. i drifted somehow a month ago she said i wasn't the same person.. i never laughed or smiled anymore... i wasn't doing my job and i was in a constant state of un happiness... and she said i had seemed to be depressed constantly.. but this last month my mood has changed i seem to be lighter and brighter and more cheerful.. and i work better with the customers and deal with my stress better... what worries me is i must have slipped into a depression i wasn't aware of..  and i don't want to do that again.. 

but what's good is she said you seem to work well with my peers now.. and that she doesn't get anymore calls complaining about me..  so thats good right.. i hope i think.. i just need to keep it up..  and not get stuck again.. she also mentioned that i would build up for a time and do really well and then id just drop the ball and do nothing.. also that i need to take more of a leadership roll... and i couldn't disagree with her... its true.. i always wait until someone tells me to do something.. i mean like not picking up paper from the ground thats a given.. but doing stuff during the day.. im just not good at taking action.. and she said some stuff that really kinda hit home.. that i so wasn't aware that any one else knew.. was that i am just not confident.. i just don't believe in myself.. and i don't know if i ever will honestly... i mean ... how do you believe in yourself when there is not much to believe in.. honestly i haven't got any special talents... like D for example.. the worlds greatest english major.. can write an A paper.. girl rocks at english.. and is a fashion queen.. maggie.. she is trendy.. and has a special way with kids like i have never seen.. 

i guess i don't see myself as being very useful... a friendly face every now and then.. and a smile... i guess its just who i've always been... 

ok and theres this thing.. i get scared when i want to try anything because i mean what if it goes wrong.. and i cant make things right.. and what if i tok initiative and led.. but then i got it wrong..and got in trouble.. and me im terrified of confrontation... i mean i was shaking today right before my PE and during my PE.. i had a rubber band around my wrist and i was snapping my finger and my wrist the whole time we were talking.. my hands get all cold and i get all shaky and stuff... i just don't do management well i guess.. or i guess really confrontation.. i am not the one to calm a fight down.. most likely i will be a nervous wreck... 

and the worst part.. is that i just worry to much and i don't know how to not worry.. ive tried it not worrying.. somehow it makes me worry more... and then i stress out... then i don't know i kinda go hay wire.. ok im going to go read now.. because i think that will calm me down enough for bed.. maybe.. ok night ... maybe tomorrow ill come back and write something more positive... :)