just tired

I don't know how to describe my feelings at this point there all so confusing.. I so want to be the cheerful girl who does everything with a smile but its hard when all I want to do is cry... I've cried more then once today and while at work at that! My manager upset me, more likely I let her upset me without saying anything... I know my emotions and actions are my own they belong to me and no one else... and only I can make sense of them... but sometimes I want to let myself cry and I try to just let myself cry but I can't seem to anymore I cry for like a few minutes and then I buck up stop crying and go back out there charging life full force... sometimes though I need to stop and take a step back from where I am and analyze what's going on... and I have stepped back today and saw some things I didn't notice.. Like the fact that my best friend seems to be slipping away from me.. That I haven't taken my health seriously, that I have backed away from people I love because I don't want to hurt them, more like because I don't want them to see that I'm hurt.. And my eyes tell everything I'm an open book and very easy to read... I hate that about myself.. I can't keep it all locked away cause I am so readable.. Its almost uncanny how readable I am.. I hate that part I wish sometimes I could hide behind a mask so people wouldn't either on prie or two get hurt because I am hurt.. Ya know.. Anyways.. Do u understand my emotional distress point right now! Its bearable but barley! And soon I think if I'm not careful I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!