unsettled

unsettled now. i  got home and i thought the top lock was locked or that my brother was keeping me out as a joke anyways so i pounded on the door till he opened it... so of course he yell at me i said i was sorry  i used  the wrong key it is dark out side and i couldnt see so what was i supposed to do.. today he said i was useless and im starting to feel that way. im useless with everything i do... he knows just where to hit and how hard.. and it hurts me more then he will willl ever know or i will ever tell him..  ok well back tonight so my mom woke up and came out yelling at both of us and threatened to kick us both out so of course i got upset at that too.. after being duely yelled at doesnt sit well with me.. i dont think they understand how fully they impact me there words hit so close to my heart and its like i cant deal with it anymore.. and i cant vent to them cause they will just think that i am crying for no reason or they try to rationalize it into a cute little box saying im just bein emotional but im not just being emotional.. it really does hurt me and impact me in such a way  that they will never know just how much there words hurt me. everything i do and everything im scared of is hit with a get over it ... like im terrified of insects and of course i wont go near one and what does my mom say well kill it just get over it.... i dont think she realizesjust how much i cant just get overit.. its not something i can just get over... everyone just tells me to stick it out  be brve.. do they realize that i am not brave and i cant just get over it.. its not how it works.. if i do something i have to think it through i dont just do it .. when i make a decsion there is lots of thought into making that descion if i hurt someone it sticks with me. if someone hurts me.. yes i remember but i forgive easily least i tink so.. and i think because of the way i am.. i easily hurt.. words can crush me.. the old saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.. that not true.. words hurt.. and people dont even realize quite how much until the damage is done. latley ive been so good at blocking myself off from emtionsof any kind and just let myself be happy and try to keep going in that direction.. and then comes a words that hurt and it breaks me down so much.. i mentioned somewhere.. i will not say where just somewhere that i was having trouble focusing.. i have been getting more side tracked then usual.. i cant keep my mind focused on one thing.. its like im drifting and havent found a place to land yet.. i need to focus on something.. anything but something positive i think.. itstead of always being over whelmed by negative things and burying them behind a mask constantly if i had something positive to focus  my attention on  then maybe i could let all that negative stuff go so im not dwelling on it ya know... ok deep breath i feel better.. ok not really its all still there.. but for now ive cried my last tear.. tears give me headaches.. till tomorrow