random thoughs

so im sitting here in front of my computer simply thinking and i have so much going on in side of my mind that im going to do the whole self implode thing i think.. lol ok im just kidding im not.. but really i really would like to just kinda blow up or at least have the ability to blow up its so much better then be sad or unsure ya know when you dont know where you stand emotionally sometimes its better to be angry but i am simply not able to stay angry for long its just not me.. and sometimes i hate that and sometimes i love it.. because i can wake up in the morning and remember that i was mad but never remember what for and thats good.. but then again i can never have that temper tantrum i so badly need to have sometimes.. i need something im just not sure what it is... maybe its a lack of discipline i have for myself.. maybe its my lack of confidence in myself maybe its my lack of independence.. maybe tis that i love to fast and think later maybe its because i allow my heart to be broken in a million pieces and when i finally put everything back together it just shatters all over again... i ope this is not the case this tie.. i hope my hearts not shattering but thats what it feels like.. it feels like my heart is shattering in a million  pieces again and its going to be frustrating to pick up all the pieces again and swear to myself that it will never happen again.. oh please we all know what a crock off.. that is,...anyways... i know this is not the feel of a broken heart just the weight of it that tightness you feel the worry that loges in your throat the tears you refuse to let fall the thoughts you left unspoken because your so worried that those words will break the delicate balance you hold yourself on.. its like walking across a tight rope with no net below.. and if you say the wrong thing or make a wrong step your going to fall and get hurt.. but im sure i can keep my balance for now ive done it for years right.. i have had narrow misses where i could have fallen but i nearly stumbled the crowd gasped but i caught myself  rebalanced and started again and now im half way across and the crowd is looking at me and probably wondering when im going to break that balance held at the edges... thats the only way i can describe how i feel right now that walking on a tight rope feeling.. not the people so much cause ive got no audience except for myself.. like a million of me looking at me walking across.. and i wonder everyday what i will do.. ok so it makes sense to me! lol only my brain functions this way i swear it!! lol .... ok well theres my post for today!!