in my mind

somewhere throughout my mind is this nagging thought that i ned to clean my room. of course the thought is correct, as currently i am procrastinating and doing an A+ job at it! Have i mentioned i do not like cleaning... i mean really who actually likes people.. for some it invigorates them or helps them think. or it relaxes them! it does none of these for me! i can not concentrate on anything andas im cleaning even with music blasting in my ears my brain works steadily to and focuses on all the things i do not want to think about. about all the things that make me want to not be alive.. i mean really cleaning is not supposed to do that to you.. but me cleaning it does.. thats why i hate cleaning so much.. i am forcd to think weather i want to or not. its not fair.. arr lifes not fair

im so sick of it too.. im sick of life. im sick of being lonly of always wondering.. of wondering what will happen next and wo will be nxt and how am i supposed to get from here to there without tripping and falling... metaphorically speaking anyways.. 

the problem these days is my overwhelming emotions.. i could nearly kill myself everyday.. but i know better. i know who i am.. and i know that its not right.. i couldnt kill myself if wanted to.. have a break down yes.. run away.. ohh that i am real good at.. but take such drastic masures that i could never do.. because im to sain.. well almost to sain.. i cant help it.. sometimes i want to be the one allowed to have a melt down.. i want to be able to break down and just let it al out.. u have no clue how much i just want to go away.. and if i could go away forever i would..i would go away and go crazy forever..so i could just be away.. away from everything and everyone.. 

but i have no where togo. and no where to run to.. and that wouldnt be responsible of me to do that. and heaven help if once in my life im not responislbe.. but i must be.. i am only responsible for myself and my own actions.. and so it shall always continue..ill always be the one that left to deal with her own emotions. because noone in my real would or could understand my feelings.. or want to.. and they wouldnt get the lonliness i feel.. they just wouldnt get it.. 

anyways .. as for being responsible.. ineed to go pick up my clothes and clean off my bed so i can sleep.. im very tired right now.. and a bit worn out..