woo hoo i changed my blog up.. different colors.. different feeling to it.. just right for me... soya im happy with that... :)

well ok.. i got my PE or personal evaluation.. no i didn't get a raise.. i know i totally suck!! but whatever.. my manager said she has seen improvement and that because it was signed in october she could revaluate me in january and i could have a possibility of actually getting a raise.. which rocks!!

on a kinda bad note she said some stuff that kinda maybe me think twice.. at first i thought maybe it was just her.. but knowing my manager a little better now.. its not it was true.. i drifted somehow a month ago she said i wasn't the same person.. i never laughed or smiled anymore... i wasn't doing my job and i was in a constant state of un happiness... and she said i had seemed to be depressed constantly.. but this last month my mood has changed i seem to be lighter and brighter and more cheerful.. and i work better with the customers and deal with my stress better... what worries me is i must have slipped into a depression i wasn't aware of..  and i don't want to do that again.. 

but what's good is she said you seem to work well with my peers now.. and that she doesn't get anymore calls complaining about me..  so thats good right.. i hope i think.. i just need to keep it up..  and not get stuck again.. she also mentioned that i would build up for a time and do really well and then id just drop the ball and do nothing.. also that i need to take more of a leadership roll... and i couldn't disagree with her... its true.. i always wait until someone tells me to do something.. i mean like not picking up paper from the ground thats a given.. but doing stuff during the day.. im just not good at taking action.. and she said some stuff that really kinda hit home.. that i so wasn't aware that any one else knew.. was that i am just not confident.. i just don't believe in myself.. and i don't know if i ever will honestly... i mean ... how do you believe in yourself when there is not much to believe in.. honestly i haven't got any special talents... like D for example.. the worlds greatest english major.. can write an A paper.. girl rocks at english.. and is a fashion queen.. maggie.. she is trendy.. and has a special way with kids like i have never seen.. 

i guess i don't see myself as being very useful... a friendly face every now and then.. and a smile... i guess its just who i've always been... 

ok and theres this thing.. i get scared when i want to try anything because i mean what if it goes wrong.. and i cant make things right.. and what if i tok initiative and led.. but then i got it wrong..and got in trouble.. and me im terrified of confrontation... i mean i was shaking today right before my PE and during my PE.. i had a rubber band around my wrist and i was snapping my finger and my wrist the whole time we were talking.. my hands get all cold and i get all shaky and stuff... i just don't do management well i guess.. or i guess really confrontation.. i am not the one to calm a fight down.. most likely i will be a nervous wreck... 

and the worst part.. is that i just worry to much and i don't know how to not worry.. ive tried it not worrying.. somehow it makes me worry more... and then i stress out... then i don't know i kinda go hay wire.. ok im going to go read now.. because i think that will calm me down enough for bed.. maybe.. ok night ... maybe tomorrow ill come back and write something more positive... :)

just kinda hurting inside

i havent written here in awhile... and only because i find more enjoying way to write on another site called well nicknamed the org.. this page is a painful representation of what i had and lost by probably half falted at me... i will not deny my blame in that.. but ive taken my break and im moving on... ive even already done some tasks... easy.. but nessary steps to move along my status.. .....

anyways..

outside at work im this happy person... always smiling ... only sometimes faltering.. i dont ever tell anyone the real problem... or whats really bothering me.. i stick close the the cation attitude changes without notice thing.. you never know.. but really people can read me like an open book... i may lie but if they really know me... i dont lie well.. i try to avoid this subject but i thought now ight be a good time to write out about it...

theres something deep inside that hurts when your parents are divorced.... even if you know it was for the better.. and i do.. ive accepted and moved on from that point for a long time now.. but what really hurts is that i wish i had the same loving easy companionship with my dad as i do with my mom. every time me and my dad get togather.. its silent or with stilted conversation.. i cant talk to him.. he doesnt understand me nor does he put the effort towards understanding me. all he seems to really care about are the materalistic things.. like making money and schooling and getting my car to the perfect state of clean... he knows i enjoy books but doesnt know what i like.. i would like to once get a gift from him that was actually from him and not a gift card... and not from my step mom... i would like to see him more then a once every few months.. and i would like to hear from him once in awhile a phone call... every time he calls and leaves a voice mail im like a kid in a candy store.. i stop what im doing and i listen to his message and call him back.. and i just for wish once could feel like my dad actually wanted to connect with me.. not because my brother reminds him that he has a daughter or because my step mom mentions my name.. but because he remembers me and wantes to hang out with me.. i know my dad loves me.. but i want him to take an interest in me.. like i try to do with him... and it hurts to think that as the holidays come and go.. and each year passes.. our relationship remains the same.. a cold distance... and once a while that warmth comes in full throttle and its so nice to be near that but for months at a time it feels like i dont exist to him... just when he feels like being a dad..... its sad really.. i hope that if i ever have kids that my husband will be able to be a true father to his kids and not just a now and the dad.. that i pick the right guy... for me.. and for my future.. last thing i need to be with is something like my dad..

I was just talking to a friend about. A mutural friend of ours... I asked if she would do me a favor because I didn't want to make this person mad...honestly I never know what mood this person is in because I haven't talked with her latley and because things have changed so I feel weird and outta place.. But anyways I bring up that because another thought came to mind..... If u were in a relationship but are no longer... How long do u need to get over it and let ur heart move on.... Part of me truly loves him.... And he is reading this and asking hoimself is she talking about me.. Yez you with ur little pup too.. I love him so much... I don't know how or why but I do... Part of me wants to give my whole self to him again and say I'm urs to use I'm here to serve you and only you.... But another part says but uve been broken hearted ocver this gyt now just move on... It was a good time but on to life now... Question is how long do I let it go on feelig that way with no closure... Ok maybe I'm over sensitive and just wanna make sure he is ok and make sure he's alright but part of me says just move on and though I have moved on I do miss him so...

Ok no kidding I'm sitting here in my car in a car parking lot space not doing anything well now I'm writting on here but feel a little crappy right now and a little tired to I might just go home and sleep....but I'm slightly hungryu but really tired and I really don't want to go home I know my mom will want me to do something and I'm really not in the mood....I love her lots but right now I think I just want to sleeeep...

the way i feel

so .... i have not written in here in a while... i think its hard now to write.. because when i do i remeber an important part of me that is not anymore existent and i dont think can be.. an important person is not part of my life..and it hurts alot... to just feel like your not cared for at all and that you were just left out... to let someone control you for so long its hard... then they dont respond to you.. its so cold... i dont know how to explain it.. im more hurt then i want to be i think.. i need to work on that.. not letting myself get hurt..

but moving on i cut my hair.. and i like it alot.. and i feel better now that i have done it.. and started to alter the way i live a little bit.. just a better way of life.. anyways.. i think im going to go now.. ttyl blog.. maybe even tomorrow ill hop on and write a bit!

Do you know the worst part about wanting a relationship and not having one because of distance... is that it falls apart... I always let myself get attached and I have to pull myself away and it becomes a very painful process.... but other then that I'm doing ok... I miss I'm just going to say you... I miss you... and you know who you are.... I miss you very much.. Even if you never talk to me again or want nothing to do with me... I will still always miss you.... and that I very much care about you.... and I think will always... just let me know you are ok....

Well moving on I stop being a member of the org today.... I withdrawled so much I didn't feel connected or use ful any more.. And there are so many memories there and I will miss it... but I guess life is leading in a new direction and I should probably lead where it takes me ... no matter where it is.. I hope I will still be able to have contact with the people at the org....and that even though I'm not a member there anymore that they will still talk to me...

Well I guess ill go now.. I don't usually like to ramble to much..... well sometimes I do.. But this is where I get all my talking out.. I don't do much of it in real life no matter how much I have the capability too.... off I go for now....

fights and other dramatic stuff!

i wonder what would the world be like if there was no fighting everyone just got along... sure things would get done but honestly i wonder if we would be better if we did not fight so much. fighting just brings on hurt and pain i think. i prefer not to fight and not to witness one.. and when the apology is made sometimes its followed by more fighting i prefer to go for a walk... i dont like being in the middle of such a tense situation.. but theres more to it then that.. i dont like seeing people hurting... theres always hurt on both sides for the one who started the confrintation and the one on the other side who got hurt. its always hurtful no matter the apology that is made its always tense no matter how its delt with it sizzles almost visibly in the air... and i wonder exactly how long it will sizzle till it blows up.  ok those are just my randome thoughts.. other then that i cant believe i am actually typing my finger is killing me ight now.. and id giv anythng for it to just go away.. i was stupid and instead of hitting the tennis ball i hit my finger and no not with the net like part but with the hard outter rim.. and it hurts like hell.. 

ok i really need to stop typing nowso off i go! 

just waiting

well ok ok ill officially say im starting to get sick.. i think it has at least  a little something to do with my work and how stress of life and stuff there just getting to me. i took some tylenol cold nightime right now so ill go to sleep pretty soon.. however what is nice is i have to make it through wednesday and thursday then i have three days off in a row! so that will be super nice.. and i can rest up then hopefully.. i keep refusing though that im sick because its better to believe your not sick... sometimes positive thoughts can help.. but when your a bit down and out it doesnt help.. anyways im going to go lay down now... and you know what my brother is sick to... and kids at work coughing on me.. and sneezing doesnt help ... ok im going to fall asleep any minute now! goodnight..

***

 I have lost myself and I don't know how...

I am on the edge ready to fall..

the break downs coming I can feel it building

the tears are ready their just waiting 

right below the surface I am ready to break

its all coming down to this moment

if I survive this fall.

lost, lonely, and not caring.. diet.. is so so..

ok so update on my diet.. which i hate to call it.. its not just one time for a short or long time.. its a change you know.. eating t home and stuff all the time from now till the time i die.. but anyways its a life long thing hopefully if i can stick to it.. so in my past journals blogs whatever you can see exactly where i am mentally speaking but physically im still adjusting to the change..  dont think im so much addicted to the fast food more like now i dont care if i eat or not.... dont get me wrong i love  the taste of food.. more as i dont care to eat.. maybe its just right now.. the only thing that keeps me eating is the fact that i get intense headaches if i dont eat.. and we all know not eating is as bad as eating badly.. the fact is i just dont really care.. there i said it.. well i care about certain aspects of it.. but right now i dont care to eat you know what i mean.. its just not a pleasing thought.. and i have to eat in order to keep healthy in order to have any energy to work.. but its like i dont care anymore... i said that a billion times now.. but the fact of the matter is i just stopped caring.. i dont know what it is... i never quite felt like this before this lack of caring for anything at all... oh i still care.. but just about certain things ive let go now... .. anyways ive been ok.. either i eat to much or i dont eat enough.. i had some fast food the other day because i did not make lunch for myself and i found i was really hungry and the headach was nagging me so i ate taco bell.. ive done pretty good with the  no soda thing.. i have it eery now and again.. but not a whole glass of it or anything maybe a few ounces which is better then huge large sodas twice to three times a day.. so i guess u know im on the right track.. as i said.. its become one of those things that just doesnt matter much right now.. anyways im off got to get ready for work soon i think ill take a shower.. maybe ill feel better...

a continuation of the post below

So a challenging week it has been for sure.. One I can't say I was ready for.. My energy is at the ground.. When u loose that will to live I guess and be productive u loose ur energy to.. But I have to say this too.. Its not that I've lost my will to live... but that driving force I usually lack its just not there anymore.. I know I talked about this... but litterally I can't place it I feel somewhat empty.. Not hurt or something like that... but more there's alarge part of my hearts that's missing I'm just not sure where its gone too. So what does a a girl do when she doesn't know what to do when she has lost herself to something but she's not sure what and lacks the passion and the drive to move forward.. If ur thinking well this is an intense subject well u would be right it is... its almost if I'm drawing a blank and I'm trying so desperatley to fill it or I have but now I've just given up and it wasn't by anymeans a concious choice I mean I just realized it today... and u know I've learned other things that placing blame is no good... its no ones fault but my own.. My raising my upbringing my parents my co workers my friends on line and off haven't a thing to do with it.... I created my own problems I'm my own person and I have my own problems to deal with as my own... I used to do that lay blame in fact I can go back and look to see where exactly I did lay blame.. But not so much anymore.. Its my fault and I know it.. Now I just don't know what to do about it... ill find a way I certainly usually do.. But the way out iof this maze well lets hope I've got a compas to use because there's lots of twists and turns and no internet resources or handy cell phones to help solve anything....

So this week especially tonight this is a day I will probably forget but right now its a day of ah ha.. You know that moment u go Oh and the light bulb goes on. I realized that I've lost my passion for life its not that I purposefely lost its just got lost o me somewhere in me I know its there but its hard to express what I mwan. I feel right now at this moment that I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to be going... I know what I want to do as in carrear but everything else.. I don't know anymore its not there... and its almost like it doesn't matter and I'm not kidding... that feeling like uve been fullfilled and what not like u have something driving u... I haven't got that.. I don't know why... wait maybe I do I let it get that way I haven't strived for anything that is hard or not.. I've long ince a few months ago decided that work is not hard... its easy and I'm no longer making it hard.. Its easier to just let it roll forward... I let that block drop usually our worst critic is ourself... I realized that I have friends people who are there to talk with me if I need it.. And if ur one of the people that are always there u know who u are... thankyou... and I'm always here for you always.. Just say something I'm always willing to talk to help to give advice.. its when I'm helping someone move through whatever there going through do I feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile no matter the problem... but moving on I need to find that passion again that drive that ive never tottally had though I'm not sure how I get there... or how I will move forward from now on.. My basic insticnt right now is to curl up at home and stay there... to not leave my house become a house hermit.. But fortuantley that is not a possiblility for me... not even close to possible because I have to work ... because well I have bills to pay so ya... being a hermit is impossible.. But I fel like I just want to stay home... less embarrassing I don't know... I think ill come back and write more later maybe an epiphany will happen!

a Bad day on the new diet routine!

ok well today i tottally screwed up!! i mean like majorly! i did not have enough lunch meat from the deli... and so i know that next week i will need to get more lunch meat when i go to the deli. the cheese is good.. but just need more meat... so let me tell you what i did.. tottally upset with myself right now.. i had taco bells zesty chicken bowl with water.. and theni had a del taco macho chicken barrito which i had two bites of but was to spicey threw that away and go a classic chicken burrito which is not spicey at all and that was soo good with powerade... later i had a ice cream float with maybe 2-4 oz of soda.. so not to much soda.. i did have a tottal of 4 waters today.. but im not going to be down on myself..i know what the problem was... and im so going to make sure its fixed tomorrow so it doesnt happen again.. also i think there is something else there im not sure what it is.. but feels like a lack of something.. maybe its just me but i feel like im missing something.. i just cant put my finger on it! anyways i will eventually get there.. and i cant wait till i can get a new hair do... a cut and color!!! woooo hooooo! anyways thats my conffession for tonight.. i did bad but back on track tomorrow.. off i go now! ttyl!

Well its been a few days... they have gone pretty well I went shopping and have made myself every meal when I'm hungry! I can't believe I actually have not eaten any fast food in 3 days! That's truly amazing in it self I mean I have never ever gone that long! K maybe once or twice but not because I wanted to. I have not run out of vedgtables but the turkey and pastrami I got I did not get that much but maybe I should have! But I did have some amazing lunches not because they were all that wonderful but because I did it myself! And I'm sure eventually ill feel a lot better too.. Right now though I've got a headache! Just looking at the screen or bright light in general is killing me! I think ill go take some advil! I think its cause I'm not drinking soda anymore... its a caffeine headache I don't know anyways, hopefully it'll go soon! Ok off to work now!

day one of plan!

Ok plan is just wrong ... lol its not a plan its my life! So day one of new me! New and improved? Maybe.. Lol ok anyways I went to grocery store today! I bought veddgies and surprisingly very little fruit but that's ok! That's what toms farm is for there stuff is always fresh! And usually on the cheap side! But anyways I got cantalop, strawberrys, bell peppers, tomatoes, broccolli, and apples... ohh onions limes and lemons oh and baby carrots! some of that is for salsa that I'm going to make tomorrow! Anyways I was so good.. I didn't have any soda.. Just water and a poweraid...and yes I do have a withdrawl caffine headach! But anyways made myself a small salad... with some peppers some onion some tomatoe! And added a bit of dressing u know salad spritzers.. It was ok oh and I had a few carrots too! Again nothing spectacular but it was ok! And because I have white bread I got one piece out put a slice of swiss cheese some lettuce pastrami, lean turkey and tomatoe with mayo was sooo good the sandwhich that is! Oh and I had an apple later on.. And in between I'd say 2 and 6 I had the yoplait whips I had two of those.. I was hungry that's the problem with "good" things is to much of a good thing is bad lol so need some self control! But otherwise I did pretty well.. But I think somethings missing to... ahh that's it the craving for something sweet like ice cream! But no I will be good! I will be able to get my hair cut and possibly colored? And I will feel good! Patience is key here something I need to learn! I won't back down on this I need to do this for my health! Well I'm off to bed! Night night!

ok im starting on a new path well sort of new.. im hopein ot get a job at walmart but only for a few months to pay off some bills but i cant let myself get stuck there.. this is only temporary for a few months to get things settled and where they should be.. and then go back to just the one job!! this has to happen along with eating healthier.. so i can move past this time where things are iffy and im not quite sure where i stand to be where i can stand on my own pay my own bills and live on my own two feet even if its stillin my moms house..i can say i pay all my own bills and that ive got money in savings.. my goal is to pay off those bills.. and learn to be responislbe and im going to set a goal for myself i think..i have not had my hair done in a long time.. in one months time i will change my hair if i have done well... and i will blog everything that happens.. so that yall will know... and i can keep accountable because really if i dont have something or soemone to keep accountable to itll never happen... so here it is..

goal: start to pay off the bills, eat at home, and be healthier as a person

reward: is to change hair style

responsibility is really long word!

so its been a few days since i blogged here.. so here is my blog...

ha u know i can never type less then a few sentences.... but i have so much going on right now.. you know on the brink of disaster and all i can do is raise my hand and say ok... its me ill fix it.. dont yell dont scream..i ant stand that..i have made my own disaster thats the reason i take responsibility ive turned everything a mess..it didn't have to be a disaster not even close to it.. but i turned away and decided i would not look i would just simply turn a blind away and pretend it wouldn't come back to haunt me.. and of course it has i should have known better.. not that i have anyone in my world to tell everything to... no advisor or best friend willing to lend an ear because im always the one lending an ear and i really dont mind that so much.. what i do mind is that i haven't any one that i can safley and comfortably turn to. id rather not pass my problems to others id rather keep my problem myself.. what i didn't look at was that when you let your problems go and just hold on to all of them and you dont ask for help because maybe your to afraid to ask for help  is that your problems can spread to others because of the attitude you develop because you become so stressed that its ridiculous.. maybe im not fun to be around because my attitude is bad..i think its bad im a little edgy sometimes.. but not often usually im very nice.. and kind.. who knows right now.. maybe getting back on track with real life is what i need to pull myself up and take responsibility for my own problems... and deal with them... accordingly.... maybe ill be able to be a happier person.. i would tell you what i think personally but thats to deep for this blog so ill leave it at that if i become a little moody with you... ya know why.. i am a little bit moody... and a little.. lot ... stressed.. and just a tad ok alot emotional... well i need to go clean something.. 

After or nearly there 2 weeks gone.. I didn't know what to do! I was absoulutley going bonkers... I will not lie.. I was crazy! I can stand a day or two maybe three but I'd really rather not! 2 weeks that's it! Drives me insane! Anyways I was so elated to get ur text I nearly chocked at work.. And had to hide my huge smile from everyone just in case they knew... lol then I guess it wouldn't have mattered.. Anyways.. Ur almost back hopefullu for good can't wait to talk to you I love you Master and missed u so much!!!

random thoughs

so im sitting here in front of my computer simply thinking and i have so much going on in side of my mind that im going to do the whole self implode thing i think.. lol ok im just kidding im not.. but really i really would like to just kinda blow up or at least have the ability to blow up its so much better then be sad or unsure ya know when you dont know where you stand emotionally sometimes its better to be angry but i am simply not able to stay angry for long its just not me.. and sometimes i hate that and sometimes i love it.. because i can wake up in the morning and remember that i was mad but never remember what for and thats good.. but then again i can never have that temper tantrum i so badly need to have sometimes.. i need something im just not sure what it is... maybe its a lack of discipline i have for myself.. maybe its my lack of confidence in myself maybe its my lack of independence.. maybe tis that i love to fast and think later maybe its because i allow my heart to be broken in a million pieces and when i finally put everything back together it just shatters all over again... i ope this is not the case this tie.. i hope my hearts not shattering but thats what it feels like.. it feels like my heart is shattering in a million  pieces again and its going to be frustrating to pick up all the pieces again and swear to myself that it will never happen again.. oh please we all know what a crock off.. that is,...anyways... i know this is not the feel of a broken heart just the weight of it that tightness you feel the worry that loges in your throat the tears you refuse to let fall the thoughts you left unspoken because your so worried that those words will break the delicate balance you hold yourself on.. its like walking across a tight rope with no net below.. and if you say the wrong thing or make a wrong step your going to fall and get hurt.. but im sure i can keep my balance for now ive done it for years right.. i have had narrow misses where i could have fallen but i nearly stumbled the crowd gasped but i caught myself  rebalanced and started again and now im half way across and the crowd is looking at me and probably wondering when im going to break that balance held at the edges... thats the only way i can describe how i feel right now that walking on a tight rope feeling.. not the people so much cause ive got no audience except for myself.. like a million of me looking at me walking across.. and i wonder everyday what i will do.. ok so it makes sense to me! lol only my brain functions this way i swear it!! lol .... ok well theres my post for today!!

Well this week hasn't been any different from the last one... was going to write on sunday but my day passed quickly and I forgot about my blog until now.. So here I lay in bed at 522 am writting..... waiting..... reading...... and waiting some more... I don't know how I feel at this moment.. A bit hurt I guessss... but out of what reason.. My answer none... I have nothing to be hurt about and really should know better myself right... to let myself get hurt and that actually let myself feel hurt out of no reason... well a reason but really just an excuse... my lack of understanding doesn't help this hurt at all but eventually I hope it will go away and all will be right again in the world... sigh.... this too shall pass....

a collage...

sunday post of contemplation and reasoning

ok well here is my weekly post.. ha i post more then that.. but, i digress.. ooo big word.. lol... anyways...

this week has been a sleepless week .. a week of challenges and overwhelming emotions... i cant stand the fact when someone is angry with me or upset with me id rather have everyone happy with everything i do.. now i know thats impossible im bound to let people down.. it happens and i cant do anything to prevent it except do my best.. ive been granted a restart and i hope to make good on that re start.. i hope that i can show that i am willing to do everything and learn from my mistakes and im trying.. ... an assigment from my Master... "go get binder clips... small ones" and so i did. but i think i wont be able to handle them my pain tolerance in my breast is fairly low.. i have a very difficult time with any pain.. so i tested it out.. i do want to make my Master happy.. and so i got my nipple hard.. and gently eased it on.. well i was still holding it i ccouldnt let it go it was already enough pain to make me go.. oh ouch ouch och.. OMG noooo.. that hurts etc.. im afraid ihave failed my Master on this front..i do appreciate him pushing me to new levels.. but i dont know if my breast can take that level yet.. maybe a gradual working up to it? just a suggestion! i am Sorry.. if your reading this.. .. im sorry i cant endure everything for you.. and that i cant be perfect.. ill learn and build my tolerances for you.... again i am sorry. anyways..

my week has been crazy from work to home to life issues.. its one o those weeks you just wanna curl up and cry... but i wont cry.. i will be strong.. and i will push pass this.. i will look ahead to where it is open land .. and open areas.. and clean air and strive to be there from where im at now... after all every one has there problems.. everyone has there stresses and lifes down falls. everyone has an excuse and a reason.. thats really an excuse.. maybe i will learn that i need to live excuse free.. and that this to shall pass... and as i sit here and its all a little over consumming  that my time will come these problems will pass and as i pass through them i will learn something new ... and i will grow as a person... i so hope this will pass through soon and the lesson will not be lost on me.. anyways.. lol

enough contemplation.. thats my sunday entry.. more to come im sure in the coming week.. off to do something maybe like clean my room more.. ohh its coming along. just its a huge task....  im trying..and im going to keep pushing though..... 

love you

love your slut...

I have circles under my eyes dark and horrible looking... the tired I'm out of it look in my eyes... the way I stare into the distance saying I'd rather be anywhere else then here... right here in my living room... at my work in my own room.. Where I want to be... well only one person knows where I'd really rather be.. But I can be.. Well ok others might know has well...... but I am sure that there is deffinetley one that knows or I hope he knows I'd rather be with him then anywhere else in the world I would sleep better... these darkness under my eyes would go away.. I would be complete and happy! But instead I'm here.. And apart of me stays with him.. And u know what I like it like that.!!! In fact I love it like that... and I love him.. Ok enough spacing and dreaming I'm off to bed soon.. Night

sleep... who.. me?

So let me explain that title.... I've been going to bed latley sleeping for a few hours and waking up and staying up and then going back to sleep hours later for an hour or two.... its just not good for me.. I need to sleep for 8 hours straight.. Anyways and I'm a little fearful to sleep to because I dream everytime I sleep... and not always good dreams just weird mostly and I don't like them.. Because it causes me to not sleep.. And I don't know and now I don't know if I can sleep.. I don't know... sigh.........

So I haven't been able to sleep in days... well not like actually not sleep but not sleep as much as I should.. I woke up today at 230... I checked some messege for the org... and then chatted a bit.. And now though I'm tired I'm staring off into space.. I don't know what to say... I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't spoken with my Master in a few days.. But I know why I haven't.. And I know I shouldn't worry so much he is an adult he can take care of himself.....but I can't help myself I do worry.. I'm a little less worried now chatting with friends has helped and a convo I had this morning helped tremendously... so that still doesn't explain my lack of sleep... maybe its to much stress.. U know everday life stuff.. Its getting to me and I'm experiencing sleepless nights because of it... I honestly don't know... I think I might take today to just rest.. Honestly I'm worn out and I don't have a good enough reason why.. Except not sleep well and dreaming to much... and some stress. Well anyways.. I think I will try and sleep again now.... maybe I will be able too!

Umm well today I woke up super early like 330.. I was so horny that and ihad to go potty.... my stomaches not feeling so great.. But anywaysim not allowed to touch or feel.. Except for hygenine of course..and I've been good but its been hard... and its keeping me awake... I finally read a story and actually it was an intense story.... but it calmed me down so much.. But now I can't go back to sleep... I hope I will be able to soon.... online relationships are hard to maintain and kee up with.. Especially when ur Master lives a gazillion miles from where you live... and you'd give almost anything to be with him... and its funny ok not really how much sometimes I need him... just his soothing words or his voice.. He is so calm and understanding... it nearly makes me want to shiver.. But anyways moving on... I chat with him nearly everyday even if its just aminute or two and I hate it when he leaves.. But I know this is the time where I need to be strong and independent even when somewhat relying on him... see I love him so much that I tend to want to just lean on him... but he does not want someone who cannot think for herselves he wants me to be strong and independent and grow and learn and respect and stuff like that.... ill get they I will.... one thing that this punishment has taught me is thati need to be more open and honest I can't be closed down and only share part of myself with my Master.. I need to share my whole self with him the good the bad and the ugly.. I plan to post maybe not him maybe just an email to him exactly what that is because I'm just relaizing... I need to and want him to know everything about me not just my needs and desires... but all that other stuff too! Mmm yess that is food for thought...

my punishment pictures 9/08/08

this  is my punishment from my Master for not keeping a clean room and for not telling him and finiding out from a alternate source... 50 lines hand written.. that say "Master I will always keep my room clean for you" while im doing that 10 minutes with a clothespin on my tongues and 10min with it off... Im very sorry Master i will do better.. i have 6 more days or so of this... 50 each day... and those clothespins hurt.. i had a very hard time focusing.. espeically cause i had to use the bathroom while i was doing it..... thankyou for punshing me Master i know i deserve it and i will remember this lesson always...  oh yes and i am not to touch my pussy at all... until my Master says... 

just another bad week... maybe next week will be better...

well today youd thnk it all be better.. i mean it was ok.. work was extremeley long.. and im dreading tomorrow.. its not just simply another day.. its another daaay long tedious day at work.. and i dont know.. im tired.. i think im going to sleep soon.. i miss someone alot and that person knows who they are... and i hope everything is ok with that person.. anyways.. umm i cant think today. my week has been a disaster.. the drs wasnt so bad.. but still i dont like drs... 

moving on... i need to get away.. where i can do nothing and worry about nothing.. and be stress free... and thats not going to happen because its not logical or practical.. and actually its just fantasy land that i really want so bad to just do nothing ... and be stress free ya know and hope it goes away or just to stay away forever.. but again i know that thats not an option.. and it wont come true... anyways... kinda just shrugs my shoulders.. and hopes i gets better at some point.. not much i can do about it now anyways... 

Have u ever felt like ur anger is just to the bursting point... its like right there on the edge of blowing your top... that's where I'm sitting at.. Tonight on the way home.. I thought about all the way I could possibly get into a car accident.. Could o a slide and maybe a topple.. Or maybe I could crash into a pole.... then maybe throw something my phone... the lights in the house.. Throw everything.. And just explode.. Just go off... that's how I feel I could throw something break windows.. Go to town just loose it... literally I've never felt it so strong before.. Just the urge to get in a car accident jump out of a window.. Slam a door.. Slam a phone.. Break a phone... just completley loose it.. Cause I'm at that edge where its one thing and it will be over the top.....

Teetering on the edge
A very find delicate edge indeed

Teeter totter
Back and forth

one sides safe somewhere to go
The other not so pretty

Its dangerous down below

On the edge
A very fine delicate edge

A shake of the head
On sneeze of the nose

Its enough to set me over
To who ever knows

To send me over the edge
Toplling right over

This pain is to much for me to bear
I can't take it much longer

Its the final straw
I'm falling over the edge

And I just don't care..

a day :(

I very well may be fired.. And I just have to learn to except that as that's how it will be and there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening... there is a lot boiling around right now.. And my head is practically spiining... and right now I'd rather almost die then face an angry manager.... or my mom or dad or brother... any family I want to crawl up in a whole and just slip away... maybe everything would be better without me.. And my body would not feel so much pain.. Just maybe

well I don't even know how to begin.. I was talking to someone the other day... I talk to someone every day lol.. And we were talking about love.... and how were both extremely loving people and we fall fast and hard without taking in the reality around us... and it occurs to me that I should be careful.. There are a lot of men out there who will take it for granted.. The one particular man I want live across usa and there's not a thing I can do about it...

But moving on... I am learning through words from others what submission really is...

Its not just about orgasms and kneeling for X amount of time.... its about giving urself to that person and doing as they request without hesitation... its submitting ur needs and desires before them and for them to pick them up and take care of them.... its where your heart is and also a lot of online is where you place that person... is it all about wheather I get to orgasm today or is about that it doesn't mattter if I gain my own pleasure as long as I am pleasing u I am happy and that is my pleasure...

I think I've kinda lost track of that.. Its not about me... its about my Master and that I do everything I am asked without hesitancy and only a desire to please him... like if he so desires for me to orgasm and that is pleasing him then that is what I will do.. Or if its cleaning up the living room without an attitude cause my Master so desires it to be done... even cleaning my room without complaining because if that's what my Master wants that is what he should get... my goal should be to make him pleased and happy and proud of his sub... and in turn for pleasing him I will be happy as well... I don't know if this makes sense.. But it does to me...

Im lost and confused
Im whole and new

Im crying
Im laugh

Im screaming
Im rejoycing

I feel like crap
Im like new

I don't really know
I think I really do

I'm not sure what to do

So many emotions
And not enough to do

Oh what to say oh what to do

There's not to much I can do

But,

I will keep trying
Pushing a steady forward pace
Always moving onward
Eventually I will win the race

I don't know where that came from but.. It sounds rhythmic even if it doesn't make sense :)

Well I haven't posted in awhile honestly I had forgotten about my blog completley... so things are moving nicley with my Master its going slowly and smoothly he decided I should take it easy since I'm having various problems in my stomach and so I'm hiss cum slut or just his slut period hehe...well here he calls gtg

I have officially yesterday started being a pee slut. My Master controls how I pee. Yesterday I was to pee on my hand. Today my first pee was to be peed on my hand and then licked up. The rest of the day I am to pee in a bowl.

These are new area to me. I don't usually pee and then taste my pee.but I did this morning. It tasted a little sweetish but not really... and it smelled awful. I did not like the taste nor the secent. But I liked it up as was required then promptly washed my hands... I am deffinetley not a fan of dirty hands! Anyways we'll see how the rest of the day turns out....

Oh yes and I must not forget... I need to carry a diaper in my purse with me at all times. I'm a bit embarrased by this and deffintley afraid if anyone will find out.. Hopefully not! But I might be randomly told to go and put my diaper on...mmm not sure how I feel about that.. Its an interesting step....

And now also on to a lesson in pain. For an hour today I am to have pegs on my nipples for 5 minutes and off for 10 minutes. When I have the pegs on I am to edge but I am under any circumstances not allowed to cum unless permission is given... ok well there is our new step forward.. What were trying out... I am happy to be doing this for my Master....and that my best will please him....

I'm soo pissed off right now.. I can't even stand it.. I was just fine but the minute mister know it all snaps his fingers I automatically have to fallow..I say screw him... then I get in trouble I've been verbally abused all day and made fun of and laughed at.. All day long.. Thanks to my ***ahdjshd brother.... good for nothing.... I'm so furious right now...I'm going to be sick if I'm not careful... crying to much and stuff... I'm so done... so done right now....

A Story to pleasure my Master

You graciously invited me on a week trip to a boat on lake michigan. I accepted gratefully I needed to get away, and you offered me a perfect opurtunity. I didn't know what was going to happen when we got up there but I figured you had it all planned out. You sent me an email the night before.

Dear slut,

You will be properly prepared to travel by me. You do not need to do a thing. Don't worry this is a stress free week for both you and I and I only want you to enjoy yourself. You may use the restroom when you get up but then its straight back to bed. I will use my key to come in. Just relax. Have a wonderfull evening see you tomorrow.

Love,

Master

I thought ohh well fun! You do know how to pamper me. I couldn't wait...

That night I didn't think I'd ever get to sleep but honestly it was the best sleep I had in ages. When I woke up I did indeed have to go to the bathroom. I followed your directions and made sure I only went to the bathroom and straight back to bed. I then promptly fell back asleep.

When I woke again it was to you stroking my hair very gentley. You were whispering come on my angel wake up its near noon and we need to get you ready for this week trip.

You pick me up in your arms and take me to the bathroom. You tell me this week you will follow all my directions your to be under my tottal control. Do you understand pet?"

"Yes Master I understand"

You then begin to undress me slowly touching my body with your fingers turning me on. Finally you dive a finger in my pussy and look at me with a big grin as I smile at you. "A bit horny this morning slut?" "yes Master... mmmm" you slowly work me up till I'm flushed and you stop I go to say something and u stick ur finger in my mouth and I automatically suck on it. You begin to talk to me working your finger in my pussy and then back to my mouth where I suck on it like a pacifier. You slowly rub your hand up and down my back and say"a few rules, you will not talk unless I give permission to talk. You will obey all orders and do what I ask of you. You will not touch yourself unless I give permission. Do you understand slut"my simple reply as always is "yes Master.""that's my girl. Now lets get you into the bath tub and get a shower going." You quickly undress and lift me up and set me in the tub and shut the doors when you walk in. You fix the water to just the appropriate tempeture and pull me under the water and give me a deep passionate kiss. You then turn me around and get my body and hair wet. You then set me on the seat that is built in and begin to wash my body as I sit there and blush as you run ur hands over my flesh. And use soap to massage my body while u wash me.

A Story to pleasure my Master

You graciously invited me on a week trip to a boat on lake michigan. I accepted gratefully I needed to get away, and you offered me a perfect opurtunity. I didn't know what was going to happen when we got up there but I figured you had it all planned out. You sent me an email the night before.

Dear slut,

You will be properly prepared to travel by me. You do not need to do a thing. Don't worry this is a stress free week for both you and I and I only want you to enjoy yourself. You may use the restroom when you get up but then its straight back to bed. I will use my key to come in. Just relax. Have a wonderfull evening see you tomorrow.

Love,

Master

I thought ohh well fun! You do know how to pamper me. I couldn't wait...

That night I didn't think I'd ever get to sleep but honestly it was the best sleep I had in ages. When I woke up I did indeed have to go to the bathroom. I followed your directions and made sure I only went to the bathroom and straight back to bed. I then promptly fell back asleep.

When I woke again it was to you stroking my hair very gentley. You were whispering come on my angel wake up its near noon and we need to get you ready for this week trip.

You pick me up in your arms and take me to the bathroom. You tell me this week you will follow all my directions your to be under my tottal control. Do you understand pet?"

"Yes Master I understand"

You then begin to undress me slowly touching my body with your fingers turning me on. Finally you dive a finger in my pussy and look at me with a big grin as I smile at you. "A bit horny this morning slut?" "yes Master... mmmm" you slowly work me up till I'm flushed and you stop I go to say something and u stick ur finger in my mouth and I automatically suck on it. You begin to talk to me working your finger in my pussy and then back to my mouth where I suck on it like a pacifier. You slowly rub your hand up and down my back and say"a few rules, you will not talk unless I give permission to talk. You will obey all orders and do what I ask of you. You will not touch yourself unless I give permission. Do you understand slut"my simple reply as always is "yes Master.""that's my girl. Now lets get you into the bath tub and get a shower going." You quickly undress and lift me up and set me in the tub and shut the doors when you walk in. You fix the water to just the appropriate tempeture and pull me under the water and give me a deep passionate kiss. You then turn me around and get my body and hair wet. You then set me on the seat that is built in and begin to wash my body as I sit there and blush as you run ur hands over my flesh. And use soap to massage my body while u wash me.

Its a new day... sigh.... I didn't sleep well at all... and I'm so very tired... and emotionally on edge still! I can't believe it! Still yes I know! I'm a disaster and I know it! My body hurts from lifting catologs yesterday.. Oh my legs hurt so bad every inch of them.. And it doesn't help that I feel like I'm going to puke.. But maybe that would help! I sure as hell wish I knew! I do know that I have to surivive this trip somehow and hopefully my side kick will provide that survival for me... sometimes you need help to survive from insanity don't get me wrong I love my grandma and my grandpa dearly... however they are hard people to love because they not as emotional as I am and they don't understand that its important to talk to people about something other then there trip sacross the world.. Like how's life going.. Ur garden how about church... grandpa how's ur bikes how do they ride.. Been on any rides latley.. Etc.. Yes I ask all these questions.. And then they love to complain.. And be uptight.. Its so annoying....... its for sure not what I wish they were.. I wish they could justbe yunderstanding and loving... and then they wouldn't be them I guess.. I do love them I do... I just don't get along well with them... words hurt especially when said how she says them and so d my step moms words.. I don't want to hear it.. So don't tell me.. Can't everyone just get along.. In a nice polite setting! Jeez is it soooo hard to just be nice for awhile.. Oh I have no doubt she thinks she's being polite.. By giving me a backhanded compliment.. It doesn't work that way for me! I don't like backhanded compliments I rather not be complimented at all.. Keep you thoughts to yourself... that's what I think.. I'm sorry I'm so undecided about this trip... I can't breathe right now.. I need space.. So I can just be me! Room to brethe air that clenses and restores for once! If only I had the time I would! Sorry to any that read this... I haven't bee myself in ages not that I know who that is anymore I suspect she's somewhere where there are no stresses and life is good.. Ill be that person again one day.. Once I get past whatever this is... and I will I have no doubt of that! It'll be back to happy me! Anyways ill probably be back later... that's not for sure.. Bright spot in day.f mom very graciously and mom like paid to let me download 20 songs on my ipod! That was fun!

Ok well you know when you just ready to explode... and things are just eating at you.. And you just can't help but cry and u just breaking down over stupid things... well me and my family just got in a huge fight... and so I just went walking to cool down.. It didn't help I just need to go somewhere else and cry.. Ya know sit on a bench and cry my heart out till I'm done until its all out and I can't cry no more because its getting to be to much! Honestly I nearly cried when my manager was talking to me about something really stupid that happened.. And I needed to make sure it didn't happen again and I was nearly crying!! Even I was like why the heck am I crying.. Well I know why I'm crying.. Just I shouldn't get upset.. And of course my mom is like what's wrong... somethings wrong and ur notsaying anything... and I'm like well why would I its not ur problems.. Its mine and I'm not going to add my to urs there mine to take care of not yours.. Which sucks cause its all pretty much finacial stuff which I can't really take care of on my own at this point well I can I just have to keep putting stuff like bills on the back burner till I can pay them... which I don't know how I'm going to finish paying them off if I have everything else to pay off.. And this trip is not helping.. Just stress after stress is adding up and I can't help but cry.. Because its all I can take not to cry... I know this is alll randome stuff.. Just chatter.. But seriously... sometimes.. When I feel like I can't take it anymore I feel like I'd rather not take it anymore... it gets to that point where I'd rather end it all then rather take another step... its hard to explain exactly what goes through my mind... but that thought gets through just fine... and sometimes its enticing like it lingers.. Its never happened though when I was a teenager I tried.. Half hearted attempts though.. Nothing serious.. And right now I'm too level headed to do that or even attempt it.. A wuss most likely.. I don't enjoy pain or any thought of it.. And I have a great fear of heights and I know to attempts of by friends that just ended up in pain... how I want to die... in my sleep.. Very quietly with my husband holding my hand or someone I love with me... anyways.. That's just thoughts that crossed my mind tonight... I'm sorry Master I will post this on the Org as well I will have to do that task when I get back from my trip... all will be well in the morning light... I hope whoever reads this that your week is going well and that ur smiling... :) one thing that God created that I absolutely with out a doubt love is a smile a really big enviting smile... u don't know what a smile can do for someone it can warm a persons day right up.. Or it can even make someone smile right back! So give someone a smile... and remember to smile for yourself.. And maybe think of something secret and naughty.. And have a great week!

my week just a part of it.. and lessons leanred

Hmm to sum my week in 15 minutes would be impossible so I'm just jotting down my thought.. Work well I don't like work.. Not working but where I work.. I don't like it... I can't make it better so I've been trying to just go with the flow of it... I just can't do anything right.. Sigh moving on.. I did procrastinate a bit with NickX task on display but I got it done! And did the erotic story that was good.. I like doing that!I did 13 cums for my Master.. That was interesting and fun... got some good cums in.. Oo and the last one was by far the best... I learned this week that bladder infections arnt fun... that going to the doctors is vital to my health... I leanred that I need a physical.. And that blood tests will be required.... I also learned that my brother can be nice... I learned that I can ignore him if I so choose but hat I can be nice to him even if he is not to me.. I learned that having a clean car and bedroom.. Which neither is currently is something I want and need to work towards.. Because it makes me happpy.. I learned that I have a lot on my mind.. I learned I cry easy.. But I also laugh easy.. I leanred that I love knowing more about myself.. I learned that talking dirty is hard for me.. And that I'm more inclined to talk sweetly... I learned that despite the fact wheather I have tons of friends or none at all that I do have people who really love me.. I learned that life is not always what we want it to be but what we make it to be.. Oh and one more vital important lesson.. When u need to take ur medicine.. First eat.. And secondly don't finish ur drink and then take ur medicine it won't work!!! Ok on to work now!

my next objective.. 13 objects.. mmmm

Master Michael is in red.. and then i am just me.. in black...

well then we will need to imporvise

countrygl_21

ok

so when do you leave

countrygl_21

i leave very early thrusday morning

ok

and will you ve back

or are you dumping me

countrygl_21

i am not and would not dump you!!

lol

kiss I know

countrygl_21

i will be back monday night probably..

ok

kiss

so what works for you

countrygl_21

or wait

sunday night

i dont know..

umm i will always be on my side kick

if your want to talk to me.. or if you are on

ok so the nights you are not, so it may take 17 days then

but still thirteen objects

countrygl_21

mm ok

you may not cum

report everyday if you can on your now updated blog, I will look

countrygl_21

ok i can do that

so let me see, when you can you will find 13 insertable objects, masturbate with them to edge and report

countrygl_21

ok

I will decide when and where you can have your next O

countrygl_21

yes Master

you may be surprised

I do want my cum slut to cum, but then a little longing is good too

countrygl_21

ohhh yes that is treu

true

a quick text will definatelhy earn us points