have you ever met a person who would just rather not make the choices the friend or whatever that says , no you choose, whatever you choose im good with.. well thats me, and its not that i cant make descsions i can.. it might take me forever to decide but i can! i just perfer not to.. why can my english teacher just assign the topic.. that would be so much easier for me to write on.. cause then you can do re search.. you can write a well written thought out paper but when its your own idea, it very rarley something that you think of in greatness.. in deed my paper will probably be crap cause i cant think of anything worth writting on.. everything to me seems out dated and used up.. i dont know what im going to do, but i better hurry up and find a solution my paper is due on thursday.. oh another problem with this paper, is that no one but the students at my college nderstand the techniques used, so making it virturally pointless to ask for help cause ppl just dont seem to get it.. well ive got to sleep now.. ttl

have you ever felt that while in a crowd surrounded by people that you feel all alone. That you just simply cant talk to anybody. That its to quiet and you want your own space,a nd to just be by yourself. however you also feel that you dont want to be alone.. you would give you arm to be able to go up and talk to someone anyone and hold a conversation with that person. You feel like your stuck tothe ground where you stand and you just glance around and hope to not catch someones eye for fear that they will wave to you and want to talk.

this is how i feel. one side of me pulls to be alone. to sit alone and to go home where its safe... safe sound and most of the time quiet. where my own thoughts have space in my head. the other part however longs to be a socialite who can talk to everyone. a regular social butterfly who is well spoken and well mannered. who gets along with everyone and is not so shy about stuff...

however i am.. i can stand there and hold a minute or two convo then im lost for words.. and i rarley if ever start the conversation.. i guess you can say im just the shy type..i dont ever talk much inless you know me wel enough and i can talk to you.. however et me in a crowdd situation.. im quiet as a mouse.. i dont talk inless spoken to.. i only answer if i know what the answer is.. overall im usually very content being quiet..

i so envy those people who can just go out take risks, and talk with people.. who are social butterflys so to speak.. if im passionate about somethin i have do have a few people i go to, to talk to...

for me its hard because im so quiet.. i just wouldnt dream of opening up and saying anything... let alone make a conversation.. maybe one day ill be brave like so many of the people i know... for now i guess ill keep up my chatting online. theres not much else i can do i dont think..

you know the great thing about this account is that i can write on it whenver i feel like it..  kinda dont right now.. but maybe i do... i had a strong epiphany today about my life.. it was interesting to me because it came while i was cleaning! hahah and its kinda funny because well... i dont ever clean and when i start seriously cleaning.. i brighten up a bit.. heheh! anyways im super tired been working out on my wii doing some yoga and stuff trying to bring my weight down but not only that.. just to feel better to ya know.. its important to me to do this.. hopefully im so sore tonight i might actually sleep.. havent been doing alot of that htese days and i miss it! terribly so! hahah anyways.. i got a job.. should start tuesday .. its a temp to hire.. im excited.. maybe not as excited as i should be .. but its a job right and im really afraid that i might screw up.. oh and i had another ahh haa moment watching ... hes just not into you... ya im that girl.. whos like.. omg he is soo into me.. and then he never calls..and you dont know what to do so you can and leave a stupid message  on his phone or a text or email... and you sit and wait for said email or text.. and it never comes and you get horribly dissapointed.. well.. guys im going to try to stop that! fine your not into me i get it. i give up then! some guy will just have to find me.. im sure i could be a great girl to be with een if im not all stick skinny and stuff!!!  and even if i cant type so well and im not perfect! anyways.. ya i think im going to go read now till im super tired! 

im wondering if anyone out there has ever felt inadequate... thats how i feel.. very inadequate..  for life in general.. like i dont measure up like im missing that key element to things.. sometimes i just wanna throw something.. i feel like people piss me off alot but really it was my fault and i apologize.. i feel like my life is really going no where.. though i am happy.. i guess tonight is one of those blah nights.. i really am alot happier then i used to be! i mean its just life i will find someone or someone will find me.. im sure.. i hope..

well yall i found out how to get my password.. lol.. took me forever though.. so i was going to go to sleep but decided i really wanted to get back on track with blogging.. im so tired right now.. just mentally out there.. not really from any real effort but because i just want to give up but i cant i need to keep pushing forwards upwards and on ward... i know i do its just scary right now.. and terrifying i told myself this year would be full o positive changes.. wo knew all the positive changes would be hard.. i deffintley did not know that.. and now it just is settling in that nothing comes easy for me ive always had to work super hard..and im going to do the same here.. hopefully with my head held a little higher.. anyways i really at least am starting to get tired.. night blog!

Well I remember why I stopped going to church tonight because I went because a friend asked me to go..m don't get me wrong I love my church its a wonderful place.... And the people are amazing.... But I don't have a thing to say and I don't socialize well I just don't... And I just feel weird... Its a feeling that makes me feel weird and out of place and even if no one else notices it doesn't matter I still feel that way and I don't know how to get over that hell I can barley go out with friends from work and be social... Just doesn't happen... On top of that I've had a crappy week and the stress is getting to me... I'm starting to feel nasious and sick and achy I know not good... A sure sign that I need to bring my stress level down.. Well now I'm tired and am going to sleep

a week of shocks...

ok well i have officially had the weirdest week i think there is to be had...

sooo i had been hearing sounds from my moms bedroom with her and her boyfriend which i have more or less gotten those feelings under control but well then i started hearing spankings comming from her room and i dissmissed them at first because well no one really wants to picture someone getting spanked in the next room especially not my mom!!! well i went to breakfast with them today and my friend from NY came and visited and stayed with us (more on that later) but anyways she was like here let me talk to her because she was IM ing me and i was like hold on because her names not appropriate for you too see so give me a minute but then she was like here just let me see so i did and she didn't say anything until she had said hello to her and stuff and then she was like "so why did you think i would say that was not appropriate" i said because your my mom and i dunno your my mom... so ya. and she was like " so she is into S&M"and i said umm ya she is.. (sorry i sounds like a valley girl i swear i use "like" so much when im in real life or i try not too.. haha) anyways so i was totally blown out of the water.. of couse i would never tell her that im into some of that stuff.... but anyways i was really shocked.. i mean in the whole wide world... my mom of all ppl and she is not prudish by any standard... im pretty sure i gave her a shock when me and my friend were taking a shower and playing in the shower and she heard it.. i gave her a huge shock.. she still thinks im straight good thing to cause i told her i was (and dont get me wrong i am... i still want a husband.. but i am enjoying exploring my bi side with a trusted friend) but anyways i guess shock for shock huh.. its kinda creepy in a way though.. and when i found out my mom had sex toys.. well i kinda already knew but i mean i was just harmlessly looking for tylenol one day and i happened across my mom most life like dildo... whew i was aaaa just a bit blown out of the water just a few feet mind you :) ..... anyways... this week has been interesting...

oh yes with my friend that was here from NY... yes she had fun... and enjoyed everything.. even the sweet torture i put here through. im definitely more Domme with her here especially in the bedroom but she is the only one.. besides on other person i feel comfortable with and have the right personality that just brings that out in me.. anyways yes it was a first and soooo very interesting experience i had lots of fun and and hope to repeat the fun some other time ! :D 

anyways ok not to be a bit of a downer but i found out today and i dont know why i didnt catch on sooner is that people are not all they make themselves up to be.. people honestly have trouble. with well honesty... if you have a problem dont have an attitude with me dammit just tell me... im not stupid i sense it.. if your nice to me one day and then rude to me and cold then next something must have happened so just tell me... ok sorry i just had to get that out ive been having some problems with reality latley where it seems to be a shock when people are cold and a bit distant i dont know why maybe i just haven't kept my eyes open lately definitely need to work on keeping my eyes open... no need to walk through fire if i can avoid it!!!!

ok well its midnight now so i think im going to go to bed... thanks for listening blog... 

~ash~

hello blogger!!!

ahh so much to tell.. well right now i have a bad stomach ache.. to many bad foods im guessing!

anyways ive officially had my first girl experience.... a friend fromNY came here for a week.. and we had a blast!!! but anyways... she started tickling me and we got in a tickle war... so i quickly righted the situation... as i am very ticklish... and ohh did i mention she is a submissive herself... welll anyways i grabbed the scarf off the post of my bed and quickly found a way to pin her down and bind her wrists over her head to my headboard.. with that done she was all mine to play with how i chose.. ohh i had fun teasing her... with a very small makeup brush i tortured her body... i slowly undressed her and played with her sizable nipples.. and her pretty  pussy.. i teased her to almost orgasm.. between tickling sucking kissing here and there... she was happy as a clam.. later we took a shower togather washing each other.. i again had her play till she was on her way to orgasm... only to snatch her back at the last second... cruel... or fun... or deslicously cruel and fun!!!! hahha yes it was both and she had a great orgasm... it was fun for all..

the next day.... i had her on her stomach..i used my hand to warm up her rear end this time not binding her... she has been spanked before..so i teased her bottom just a bit.. then i used a combination of my hair brush my flat backed wood mirror and my flogger to turn her butt a nice shade of red.. yes that was sooo much fun... then that night i had her lick and suck on my pussy.. 

the next night wasnt tooo much as we were both very tired.. i gave her a quick orgasm with my hitachi.... she loooooved it!!!!

and that was all that happened.. we both had a blast.. and know that we will hopefully play again in the futrue  i hope i will get the oppurtunity...

with that i am off ....

love

soooo... just another day in paradise.. haaa some paradise.. but i guess its ok though honestly... im still alive and i have money in my account so i seriously have nothing to complain about... i could complain but i dont see a reason too..

do you know my favorite symbol of all time is? its  a heart.. its my favorite thing to draw its my favorite thing to see.. do you know why of course you dont cause i havent told you.. its my favorite because its represents love.. even though its a nessary organ in the body and some person with and unimaginable amount of free time uses the heart for valentines time.. its still means love to me... its a symbol with a very strong emotion attached too it.. i love that emotion... love... i of course being one that seems to love easy.. im the one that wears my heart on my sleeve... but you know what i still love it..i draw it on my hand everyday.. thats how much i love the heart... not only is it symbolical of love its a beutiful symbol too... and when you draw it, its never ever perfect... most drawn hearts are very imperfect but that makes it even better and the message even stronger... i know im soooo sentimental... but ohh well.. i love it :)

someday my love will find me.... 

~angel~

wellll i have not written in a long time.. you know  ..... i actually forgot my password and my user name! lol oops!

anyways i finally found something about myself... that i can be quite content no matter where i am in life.. one day i just woke up smiling.. and smiling at work for no reason... and its nice to know that i still can smile for no reason.. and that i dont cry all the time.. 

well my mom has a boyfriend.... and he is over here on the weekeneds mostly.. alllll weekned.. and im so thrilled for my mom.. but at the same time.. its near nauseating too... i mean they go to dinner and to disney land.. and she takes the day off for him... and its cute.. but honestly it makes me soooo uncomfortable to have him here.. i really wish i had my own place.. but then i would be lonely too... but i mean it went to at least seeing and talking to here at least twice a week.. to maybe once a week... maaaybe! i miss my mom i guess.... and its soooo hard cause i sooo want her to be happy and in love and finding someone she really cares about but at the same time i want to keep her to myself... i have never had to share my mom before.. her children have always come first... and its about time she put herself first and find love... i guess its harder then i thought it would be... i always knew she would find soemone.. but i cant just have a girl talk with my mom because he is here... he is a really nice guy too.. i dont know proably just overwhelming emotions from something new.. ill get past it... 

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
And I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
And days drag on
Stupid girl, 
I should have known, I should have known

[Chorus]
That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, 
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, 
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

[Chorus]
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, 
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Here you are your sitting there
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

in the mirror.....

well blog.. i havent really been keeping up on my blogging not because i havent wanted ... just really havent been in the mood to write. latley its less that i want to write and more that i want to cry..ore that i feel alone and that its pointed out to me. i am alone though. i dont have a mate.. or a bf.. or friend with benfits anymore.. i did at one time.. i made some important changes not to my physical person but inside.. i did.. my sexuality that is. i have done it three times. i know astonishing. hahah.. but i did.. and i was happy to do it.. it made me feel umm more experienced for once..like i chose something for once.. no one chose it for me and i didnt consult anyone over the decision i just decided i wanted to and i did.. of course with someone i trust.. ty for that... to him at least... though he does not read this blog he deserves the credit for not making me feel like a child.. but always treating me with respect  and like an adult.. its refreshing... anyways...

i looked in the mirror the other day and i looked and didnt see someone i liked.. i saw staring back at me... someone who was sad and not depressed.. but lost.... and i keep looking at this person i see in the miror and i say to myself.. who is that person.. i do not recognize her.. and that is a sad thought indeed.. i wish i could gain that smile back.. but life happens and people break your heart.. and i dont have a good poker face... it shows in my eyes.. and i cannot make it not... i avoid the mirror.. because i see myself without the mirror a pretty girl.. who is trying to live happily in the world where happiness does not always come easy.. but when the mirror is there i see a person whom the world has gotten to and who is more negative then positive.. and spirit seems a bit dimished... i want to cry so much.... but its my fault... the person in the mirror is me.. and my self image is not good.. its sad to think back and say i used to be able to smile at myself and others... and now others see the change... and have commented on it and im not sure how to get the smiling girl back ... the one that was all innocence and fun times... not the seemingly loner she has become..

lifes not all rainbows and pretty streams in a forest full of wonderful things.. its stess of traffic work and bills.... its bad self image and low self esteem.. its depression and broken hearts... lifes full of drastic and dramatic.. full of doubt and negativety.. and rarley anymore do you see positive things happen.. maybe sometimes it willl happen.. but not often.... someday i hope that will change and we will return to the day when you could still believe in rainbows and pretty streams in a forest full of wonderful things and happy endings... believe that these things do come true.. 

everday it gets harder

to live this life in this time

to dream is a foreign concept

only for those who live in hollywood

gone are the days of rocking chair on porches

and a pretty sunset with your best friend

bring on the traffic and the smog

the politics and back stabbers

its all that is today

its sad for sure 

what will we do 

to get back to that time 

a time of easy strolls on the sidewalk

and a smile for a stranger

for tea time and nap time

for love and passion

for friendship and trust

when will it happen for us to see

true comroddary among all of us

maybe not today and not tomorrow..

but i hope for the future... that it wont be far off.....