After or nearly there 2 weeks gone.. I didn't know what to do! I was absoulutley going bonkers... I will not lie.. I was crazy! I can stand a day or two maybe three but I'd really rather not! 2 weeks that's it! Drives me insane! Anyways I was so elated to get ur text I nearly chocked at work.. And had to hide my huge smile from everyone just in case they knew... lol then I guess it wouldn't have mattered.. Anyways.. Ur almost back hopefullu for good can't wait to talk to you I love you Master and missed u so much!!!

random thoughs

so im sitting here in front of my computer simply thinking and i have so much going on in side of my mind that im going to do the whole self implode thing i think.. lol ok im just kidding im not.. but really i really would like to just kinda blow up or at least have the ability to blow up its so much better then be sad or unsure ya know when you dont know where you stand emotionally sometimes its better to be angry but i am simply not able to stay angry for long its just not me.. and sometimes i hate that and sometimes i love it.. because i can wake up in the morning and remember that i was mad but never remember what for and thats good.. but then again i can never have that temper tantrum i so badly need to have sometimes.. i need something im just not sure what it is... maybe its a lack of discipline i have for myself.. maybe its my lack of confidence in myself maybe its my lack of independence.. maybe tis that i love to fast and think later maybe its because i allow my heart to be broken in a million pieces and when i finally put everything back together it just shatters all over again... i ope this is not the case this tie.. i hope my hearts not shattering but thats what it feels like.. it feels like my heart is shattering in a million  pieces again and its going to be frustrating to pick up all the pieces again and swear to myself that it will never happen again.. oh please we all know what a crock off.. that is,...anyways... i know this is not the feel of a broken heart just the weight of it that tightness you feel the worry that loges in your throat the tears you refuse to let fall the thoughts you left unspoken because your so worried that those words will break the delicate balance you hold yourself on.. its like walking across a tight rope with no net below.. and if you say the wrong thing or make a wrong step your going to fall and get hurt.. but im sure i can keep my balance for now ive done it for years right.. i have had narrow misses where i could have fallen but i nearly stumbled the crowd gasped but i caught myself  rebalanced and started again and now im half way across and the crowd is looking at me and probably wondering when im going to break that balance held at the edges... thats the only way i can describe how i feel right now that walking on a tight rope feeling.. not the people so much cause ive got no audience except for myself.. like a million of me looking at me walking across.. and i wonder everyday what i will do.. ok so it makes sense to me! lol only my brain functions this way i swear it!! lol .... ok well theres my post for today!!

Well this week hasn't been any different from the last one... was going to write on sunday but my day passed quickly and I forgot about my blog until now.. So here I lay in bed at 522 am writting..... waiting..... reading...... and waiting some more... I don't know how I feel at this moment.. A bit hurt I guessss... but out of what reason.. My answer none... I have nothing to be hurt about and really should know better myself right... to let myself get hurt and that actually let myself feel hurt out of no reason... well a reason but really just an excuse... my lack of understanding doesn't help this hurt at all but eventually I hope it will go away and all will be right again in the world... sigh.... this too shall pass....

a collage...

sunday post of contemplation and reasoning

ok well here is my weekly post.. ha i post more then that.. but, i digress.. ooo big word.. lol... anyways...

this week has been a sleepless week .. a week of challenges and overwhelming emotions... i cant stand the fact when someone is angry with me or upset with me id rather have everyone happy with everything i do.. now i know thats impossible im bound to let people down.. it happens and i cant do anything to prevent it except do my best.. ive been granted a restart and i hope to make good on that re start.. i hope that i can show that i am willing to do everything and learn from my mistakes and im trying.. ... an assigment from my Master... "go get binder clips... small ones" and so i did. but i think i wont be able to handle them my pain tolerance in my breast is fairly low.. i have a very difficult time with any pain.. so i tested it out.. i do want to make my Master happy.. and so i got my nipple hard.. and gently eased it on.. well i was still holding it i ccouldnt let it go it was already enough pain to make me go.. oh ouch ouch och.. OMG noooo.. that hurts etc.. im afraid ihave failed my Master on this front..i do appreciate him pushing me to new levels.. but i dont know if my breast can take that level yet.. maybe a gradual working up to it? just a suggestion! i am Sorry.. if your reading this.. .. im sorry i cant endure everything for you.. and that i cant be perfect.. ill learn and build my tolerances for you.... again i am sorry. anyways..

my week has been crazy from work to home to life issues.. its one o those weeks you just wanna curl up and cry... but i wont cry.. i will be strong.. and i will push pass this.. i will look ahead to where it is open land .. and open areas.. and clean air and strive to be there from where im at now... after all every one has there problems.. everyone has there stresses and lifes down falls. everyone has an excuse and a reason.. thats really an excuse.. maybe i will learn that i need to live excuse free.. and that this to shall pass... and as i sit here and its all a little over consumming  that my time will come these problems will pass and as i pass through them i will learn something new ... and i will grow as a person... i so hope this will pass through soon and the lesson will not be lost on me.. anyways.. lol

enough contemplation.. thats my sunday entry.. more to come im sure in the coming week.. off to do something maybe like clean my room more.. ohh its coming along. just its a huge task....  im trying..and im going to keep pushing though..... 

love you

love your slut...

I have circles under my eyes dark and horrible looking... the tired I'm out of it look in my eyes... the way I stare into the distance saying I'd rather be anywhere else then here... right here in my living room... at my work in my own room.. Where I want to be... well only one person knows where I'd really rather be.. But I can be.. Well ok others might know has well...... but I am sure that there is deffinetley one that knows or I hope he knows I'd rather be with him then anywhere else in the world I would sleep better... these darkness under my eyes would go away.. I would be complete and happy! But instead I'm here.. And apart of me stays with him.. And u know what I like it like that.!!! In fact I love it like that... and I love him.. Ok enough spacing and dreaming I'm off to bed soon.. Night

sleep... who.. me?

So let me explain that title.... I've been going to bed latley sleeping for a few hours and waking up and staying up and then going back to sleep hours later for an hour or two.... its just not good for me.. I need to sleep for 8 hours straight.. Anyways and I'm a little fearful to sleep to because I dream everytime I sleep... and not always good dreams just weird mostly and I don't like them.. Because it causes me to not sleep.. And I don't know and now I don't know if I can sleep.. I don't know... sigh.........

So I haven't been able to sleep in days... well not like actually not sleep but not sleep as much as I should.. I woke up today at 230... I checked some messege for the org... and then chatted a bit.. And now though I'm tired I'm staring off into space.. I don't know what to say... I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't spoken with my Master in a few days.. But I know why I haven't.. And I know I shouldn't worry so much he is an adult he can take care of himself.....but I can't help myself I do worry.. I'm a little less worried now chatting with friends has helped and a convo I had this morning helped tremendously... so that still doesn't explain my lack of sleep... maybe its to much stress.. U know everday life stuff.. Its getting to me and I'm experiencing sleepless nights because of it... I honestly don't know... I think I might take today to just rest.. Honestly I'm worn out and I don't have a good enough reason why.. Except not sleep well and dreaming to much... and some stress. Well anyways.. I think I will try and sleep again now.... maybe I will be able too!

Umm well today I woke up super early like 330.. I was so horny that and ihad to go potty.... my stomaches not feeling so great.. But anywaysim not allowed to touch or feel.. Except for hygenine of course..and I've been good but its been hard... and its keeping me awake... I finally read a story and actually it was an intense story.... but it calmed me down so much.. But now I can't go back to sleep... I hope I will be able to soon.... online relationships are hard to maintain and kee up with.. Especially when ur Master lives a gazillion miles from where you live... and you'd give almost anything to be with him... and its funny ok not really how much sometimes I need him... just his soothing words or his voice.. He is so calm and understanding... it nearly makes me want to shiver.. But anyways moving on... I chat with him nearly everyday even if its just aminute or two and I hate it when he leaves.. But I know this is the time where I need to be strong and independent even when somewhat relying on him... see I love him so much that I tend to want to just lean on him... but he does not want someone who cannot think for herselves he wants me to be strong and independent and grow and learn and respect and stuff like that.... ill get they I will.... one thing that this punishment has taught me is thati need to be more open and honest I can't be closed down and only share part of myself with my Master.. I need to share my whole self with him the good the bad and the ugly.. I plan to post maybe not him maybe just an email to him exactly what that is because I'm just relaizing... I need to and want him to know everything about me not just my needs and desires... but all that other stuff too! Mmm yess that is food for thought...

my punishment pictures 9/08/08

this  is my punishment from my Master for not keeping a clean room and for not telling him and finiding out from a alternate source... 50 lines hand written.. that say "Master I will always keep my room clean for you" while im doing that 10 minutes with a clothespin on my tongues and 10min with it off... Im very sorry Master i will do better.. i have 6 more days or so of this... 50 each day... and those clothespins hurt.. i had a very hard time focusing.. espeically cause i had to use the bathroom while i was doing it..... thankyou for punshing me Master i know i deserve it and i will remember this lesson always...  oh yes and i am not to touch my pussy at all... until my Master says... 

just another bad week... maybe next week will be better...

well today youd thnk it all be better.. i mean it was ok.. work was extremeley long.. and im dreading tomorrow.. its not just simply another day.. its another daaay long tedious day at work.. and i dont know.. im tired.. i think im going to sleep soon.. i miss someone alot and that person knows who they are... and i hope everything is ok with that person.. anyways.. umm i cant think today. my week has been a disaster.. the drs wasnt so bad.. but still i dont like drs... 

moving on... i need to get away.. where i can do nothing and worry about nothing.. and be stress free... and thats not going to happen because its not logical or practical.. and actually its just fantasy land that i really want so bad to just do nothing ... and be stress free ya know and hope it goes away or just to stay away forever.. but again i know that thats not an option.. and it wont come true... anyways... kinda just shrugs my shoulders.. and hopes i gets better at some point.. not much i can do about it now anyways... 

Have u ever felt like ur anger is just to the bursting point... its like right there on the edge of blowing your top... that's where I'm sitting at.. Tonight on the way home.. I thought about all the way I could possibly get into a car accident.. Could o a slide and maybe a topple.. Or maybe I could crash into a pole.... then maybe throw something my phone... the lights in the house.. Throw everything.. And just explode.. Just go off... that's how I feel I could throw something break windows.. Go to town just loose it... literally I've never felt it so strong before.. Just the urge to get in a car accident jump out of a window.. Slam a door.. Slam a phone.. Break a phone... just completley loose it.. Cause I'm at that edge where its one thing and it will be over the top.....

Teetering on the edge
A very find delicate edge indeed

Teeter totter
Back and forth

one sides safe somewhere to go
The other not so pretty

Its dangerous down below

On the edge
A very fine delicate edge

A shake of the head
On sneeze of the nose

Its enough to set me over
To who ever knows

To send me over the edge
Toplling right over

This pain is to much for me to bear
I can't take it much longer

Its the final straw
I'm falling over the edge

And I just don't care..

a day :(

I very well may be fired.. And I just have to learn to except that as that's how it will be and there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening... there is a lot boiling around right now.. And my head is practically spiining... and right now I'd rather almost die then face an angry manager.... or my mom or dad or brother... any family I want to crawl up in a whole and just slip away... maybe everything would be better without me.. And my body would not feel so much pain.. Just maybe

well I don't even know how to begin.. I was talking to someone the other day... I talk to someone every day lol.. And we were talking about love.... and how were both extremely loving people and we fall fast and hard without taking in the reality around us... and it occurs to me that I should be careful.. There are a lot of men out there who will take it for granted.. The one particular man I want live across usa and there's not a thing I can do about it...

But moving on... I am learning through words from others what submission really is...

Its not just about orgasms and kneeling for X amount of time.... its about giving urself to that person and doing as they request without hesitation... its submitting ur needs and desires before them and for them to pick them up and take care of them.... its where your heart is and also a lot of online is where you place that person... is it all about wheather I get to orgasm today or is about that it doesn't mattter if I gain my own pleasure as long as I am pleasing u I am happy and that is my pleasure...

I think I've kinda lost track of that.. Its not about me... its about my Master and that I do everything I am asked without hesitancy and only a desire to please him... like if he so desires for me to orgasm and that is pleasing him then that is what I will do.. Or if its cleaning up the living room without an attitude cause my Master so desires it to be done... even cleaning my room without complaining because if that's what my Master wants that is what he should get... my goal should be to make him pleased and happy and proud of his sub... and in turn for pleasing him I will be happy as well... I don't know if this makes sense.. But it does to me...

Im lost and confused
Im whole and new

Im crying
Im laugh

Im screaming
Im rejoycing

I feel like crap
Im like new

I don't really know
I think I really do

I'm not sure what to do

So many emotions
And not enough to do

Oh what to say oh what to do

There's not to much I can do

But,

I will keep trying
Pushing a steady forward pace
Always moving onward
Eventually I will win the race

I don't know where that came from but.. It sounds rhythmic even if it doesn't make sense :)

Well I haven't posted in awhile honestly I had forgotten about my blog completley... so things are moving nicley with my Master its going slowly and smoothly he decided I should take it easy since I'm having various problems in my stomach and so I'm hiss cum slut or just his slut period hehe...well here he calls gtg