learning about myself

Well tonight I leaned something about myself... something I would never have though of if it weren't for a task I was doing.. Well that's if she lets me continue on with the task! Lol.. I learned that I prefer to perform writting elemtnts for tasking... I find it much easier to request and do any sort of writting assignment with moderat, little or no physical interaction then I do with purley physical tasks... I mean yes I like the actual tasks themsevels the ones that have almost purley physical elements but for me I can requesting a writting task easier... a physical task... for me to do it I deffinetley think it would have to be assigned.. I prefer it that way! It is in truth easier for me ..... doing the writting task although makes me feel submissive and think hard... physical task do much more.. Its a reliztion it connects with your body and mind... now if I could only get my mind to calm down long enough to perform a physical task that would be wonderful!! I can't put into words how frustrating it is to want to do certain things but can't do it because of a physical limitation or more apptly fear.... so frustrating sometimes ok I really need to sleep good night!

sweet loving

do you ever wonder why certain symbols mean something to you? i do.. i wonder why some things are so vital to us.....for me.. my symbol that i love is a heart.....a heart symbolizes love... it also well to me symbolizes wholeness a completeness.. a heart symbolizes love and devotion.. and the giving of ones heart is a huge thing.... its special. hehe i always draw a heart on my hand.. its mything i draw i just do and its funny because its never a pefect heart.. drawn with straight lines and stuff or you know.. its always crooked somehow.. but love is not always perfect... in fact i dont think its ever perfect,.. but true love can be made to work.. love is and always will be a delicate thing that can stand lots of trials... a heart symbolizes love.. weather i draw a heart because of love.. or because i like the way it looks.. i dont know.. but thats my special symbol and just relizing that its always been a heart... not a flower.. not a yin yang sign.. but a heart.. maybe its because i have sooo much love.. i cant help it.. there are people that hate me.. but i still have so much love.. and i know i am always loved.. well and thouroughly.. maybe not physically loved.. but emotionally loved... and you know that saying.. stay sweet dont ever change.. well friends out there.. according to me at least.. and some others.. im still sweet.. thats never changed.. i dont think i could ever change! its not possible for me to change that i am and always be sweet.. i hope at least.. maybe a little devilish sometimes.. and i dont mind.. hehehe... but i will always be sweet.. and with an easy disposition usually... ok not all the time.. but easy enough... except maybe when im stressed.. ok.. well i dont know... ive got alot on my mind.. gots to go.. ill be back to write more later!

what's goin on

I often wonder the same thing.. At one point everything is the same going in one direction and then suddenly when u think everything has settled and going fine... everything breaks loose the ground shakes and the rocks fall all around you and your not sure how to react to everything then your left with a mess and and left standing on edge and u get that I'm going to tip over any moment feeling... and life will end as u know it... what then... do u look for life lines or do u deal with it on your own... who knows right till the situation happens ya know..... I don't know... well see how it goes... I'm standing on the edge and well see how where I end up.. With new ground or faling off the cliff.. Only the future knows what exactly will happen!

oiy vey!

I'm having a bad day! Talk about bad times.. I ahvent done to my knoweledge one thing bad at work.. And I got written up.. I say what the heck inside my head of course.. I sat there and nodded and said okay and got reamed out yet again
And I couldn't help it.. I am super emotional person I cry easy.. And my manager said.. And well what is up ..... when I talk to you you always start crying.. I in a quiet and low voice said nothing is wrong I am fne... I really am just super emotional.. I hate feeling like I am not comfortable at work... I don't like this job.... I will not kill them with kindness.. But I will not be mean to them... I will simply keep being quiet not saying a word is best or saying as little as possible.. As long as my legs do not give out.. And I don't break down crying.... and no one yells at me... please just a little while longer... then I willl be fine.... I can't wait to go home... despite that I need the hours... I just wanna be at home right now and sleeping would be nice too!

new tactic

Since I've done everything I can do to be complient at work without going all shy and stuff and not saying anything well I'm going to try to be quiet as described below.. No choice really... I have to... to protect myself... I hate doing this especially because I have a friend or two in there... so I will do what's got to be done.. And do the silent thing.. Well see how it works!

my descsion

Its alright its just my pride
It hurts inside
And I can't fix it
I can't make it better

The blows you dealt
No fault of your own
All my fault
it hurts deep inside
It won't go away
It lingers like a bad taste

Oh just to make it go away
Now I've got no choice
Holed up inside
Through a choice of my own
But not really
Quiet and shy
Drawn inward
Holed up so deep these feelings go
My heart hurts right now.. It just won't let go
I've been here before
But this was the final blow
I did my part
I played the roll
I was stabbed in my back and
I didn't even know
The choice to choose is one that I have to.. I have no choice really
Quiet and shy I will be..
Reverting back
Drawn back in
No choice left
I tried to be myself
It didn't work
I wont try again
Better to be safe
Then let ur heart bleed
Better to be nothing
Then to be broken again
I won't say a word
Ill keep them inline
When they talk to me
Ill quietly answer
Shy and reserved
They won't know what happened
They won't have a choice
They'll deal I suppose
Its hurts so bad..
I chose this road.. Now I choose another
Where its peaceful and quiet
My light will not shine
How can I let it
Its been put out
No way to retrieve it
So here I go now.. Ill be an angel
Ill do as they ask
With a yes sir a yes mam
No they won't know what hit them
I'm starting over now
A quiet reprieve
From all the fire
I'm through now..
Its over
Done
No more to go
I'm through I'm finished
My pride out the window
And me... well who really cares anyways
Off I go now
Its going to be a long day

You know sometimes in life u just want to curl up and cry your eyes out and then u want to die... that's how I feel tonight.. I just wanna cry... and today I cried.. I mean I cry pretty easy but u know there's the kinda crying where you just can't help but cry and it kinda just flows out.. Then there the crying where something happened.. (Good or bad) and u cry for like a minute or too it relases just the tiniest amount of pressure for u to be able to pull it all togeather again.. Then it just stats to build up again... that's how I feel I cried tonight because a customer decided to have a raging fit because of something that happened.. I being the nearest employee and the one who happened to be in chatrge of the area at that moment got the brunt of the yelling and the other poor kids and parents near the area over heard.. I don't like being yelled at..it seriously hurts my feelings... and with everything adding up it pushed me right over the edge but then I went and cried three more times after that... u know u need a really good cry when something that happened drives u to cry a few more times... its so annoying to my tears I swear have acid in them because it makes my eyes and sin around my eyes hurt.. Sigh can't do anything about that... I'm so tires... and hoestly I'm hurt.. Not physically but emotionally hurt.. My heart hurts my head aches... and its not like I have the choice to step out for awhile... or be removed I'm not a kid I have responsibilities... and that just makes things tougher.. Makes the hurt worse... I miss my own smile my own happiness with the world... everyone used to comment me on my smile that I had a big smile and I was always o happy... and I always shined no matter what I was wearing.. It didn't matter... because the inside matched with the outside and I was sooo happy.. I don't know what happen... to that person to that happy carefree girl.. She dissapeared.. And in her place is a women crushed by the weight of responsibility and of the world... and the best she can do is live each day as best as she can with no one to turn to.. Not even her mom.. No one to hold her to cry on anyone shoulder... that's me.. I'm not trying to complain its wrong to complain I've got so much I'm so blessed.. I've a family that loves me.. But it doesn't make the pain less or go away.. I can't breathe.. With no air.. And no one to hold me up and be there for me.. To make sure I breathe each day... in and out I try so hard.. But sometimes its so hard.. And I can't explain.. Its to hard.... right now I just can't breathe