fights and other dramatic stuff!

i wonder what would the world be like if there was no fighting everyone just got along... sure things would get done but honestly i wonder if we would be better if we did not fight so much. fighting just brings on hurt and pain i think. i prefer not to fight and not to witness one.. and when the apology is made sometimes its followed by more fighting i prefer to go for a walk... i dont like being in the middle of such a tense situation.. but theres more to it then that.. i dont like seeing people hurting... theres always hurt on both sides for the one who started the confrintation and the one on the other side who got hurt. its always hurtful no matter the apology that is made its always tense no matter how its delt with it sizzles almost visibly in the air... and i wonder exactly how long it will sizzle till it blows up.  ok those are just my randome thoughts.. other then that i cant believe i am actually typing my finger is killing me ight now.. and id giv anythng for it to just go away.. i was stupid and instead of hitting the tennis ball i hit my finger and no not with the net like part but with the hard outter rim.. and it hurts like hell.. 

ok i really need to stop typing nowso off i go! 

just waiting

well ok ok ill officially say im starting to get sick.. i think it has at least  a little something to do with my work and how stress of life and stuff there just getting to me. i took some tylenol cold nightime right now so ill go to sleep pretty soon.. however what is nice is i have to make it through wednesday and thursday then i have three days off in a row! so that will be super nice.. and i can rest up then hopefully.. i keep refusing though that im sick because its better to believe your not sick... sometimes positive thoughts can help.. but when your a bit down and out it doesnt help.. anyways im going to go lay down now... and you know what my brother is sick to... and kids at work coughing on me.. and sneezing doesnt help ... ok im going to fall asleep any minute now! goodnight..

***

 I have lost myself and I don't know how...

I am on the edge ready to fall..

the break downs coming I can feel it building

the tears are ready their just waiting 

right below the surface I am ready to break

its all coming down to this moment

if I survive this fall.

lost, lonely, and not caring.. diet.. is so so..

ok so update on my diet.. which i hate to call it.. its not just one time for a short or long time.. its a change you know.. eating t home and stuff all the time from now till the time i die.. but anyways its a life long thing hopefully if i can stick to it.. so in my past journals blogs whatever you can see exactly where i am mentally speaking but physically im still adjusting to the change..  dont think im so much addicted to the fast food more like now i dont care if i eat or not.... dont get me wrong i love  the taste of food.. more as i dont care to eat.. maybe its just right now.. the only thing that keeps me eating is the fact that i get intense headaches if i dont eat.. and we all know not eating is as bad as eating badly.. the fact is i just dont really care.. there i said it.. well i care about certain aspects of it.. but right now i dont care to eat you know what i mean.. its just not a pleasing thought.. and i have to eat in order to keep healthy in order to have any energy to work.. but its like i dont care anymore... i said that a billion times now.. but the fact of the matter is i just stopped caring.. i dont know what it is... i never quite felt like this before this lack of caring for anything at all... oh i still care.. but just about certain things ive let go now... .. anyways ive been ok.. either i eat to much or i dont eat enough.. i had some fast food the other day because i did not make lunch for myself and i found i was really hungry and the headach was nagging me so i ate taco bell.. ive done pretty good with the  no soda thing.. i have it eery now and again.. but not a whole glass of it or anything maybe a few ounces which is better then huge large sodas twice to three times a day.. so i guess u know im on the right track.. as i said.. its become one of those things that just doesnt matter much right now.. anyways im off got to get ready for work soon i think ill take a shower.. maybe ill feel better...

a continuation of the post below

So a challenging week it has been for sure.. One I can't say I was ready for.. My energy is at the ground.. When u loose that will to live I guess and be productive u loose ur energy to.. But I have to say this too.. Its not that I've lost my will to live... but that driving force I usually lack its just not there anymore.. I know I talked about this... but litterally I can't place it I feel somewhat empty.. Not hurt or something like that... but more there's alarge part of my hearts that's missing I'm just not sure where its gone too. So what does a a girl do when she doesn't know what to do when she has lost herself to something but she's not sure what and lacks the passion and the drive to move forward.. If ur thinking well this is an intense subject well u would be right it is... its almost if I'm drawing a blank and I'm trying so desperatley to fill it or I have but now I've just given up and it wasn't by anymeans a concious choice I mean I just realized it today... and u know I've learned other things that placing blame is no good... its no ones fault but my own.. My raising my upbringing my parents my co workers my friends on line and off haven't a thing to do with it.... I created my own problems I'm my own person and I have my own problems to deal with as my own... I used to do that lay blame in fact I can go back and look to see where exactly I did lay blame.. But not so much anymore.. Its my fault and I know it.. Now I just don't know what to do about it... ill find a way I certainly usually do.. But the way out iof this maze well lets hope I've got a compas to use because there's lots of twists and turns and no internet resources or handy cell phones to help solve anything....

So this week especially tonight this is a day I will probably forget but right now its a day of ah ha.. You know that moment u go Oh and the light bulb goes on. I realized that I've lost my passion for life its not that I purposefely lost its just got lost o me somewhere in me I know its there but its hard to express what I mwan. I feel right now at this moment that I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to be going... I know what I want to do as in carrear but everything else.. I don't know anymore its not there... and its almost like it doesn't matter and I'm not kidding... that feeling like uve been fullfilled and what not like u have something driving u... I haven't got that.. I don't know why... wait maybe I do I let it get that way I haven't strived for anything that is hard or not.. I've long ince a few months ago decided that work is not hard... its easy and I'm no longer making it hard.. Its easier to just let it roll forward... I let that block drop usually our worst critic is ourself... I realized that I have friends people who are there to talk with me if I need it.. And if ur one of the people that are always there u know who u are... thankyou... and I'm always here for you always.. Just say something I'm always willing to talk to help to give advice.. its when I'm helping someone move through whatever there going through do I feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile no matter the problem... but moving on I need to find that passion again that drive that ive never tottally had though I'm not sure how I get there... or how I will move forward from now on.. My basic insticnt right now is to curl up at home and stay there... to not leave my house become a house hermit.. But fortuantley that is not a possiblility for me... not even close to possible because I have to work ... because well I have bills to pay so ya... being a hermit is impossible.. But I fel like I just want to stay home... less embarrassing I don't know... I think ill come back and write more later maybe an epiphany will happen!

a Bad day on the new diet routine!

ok well today i tottally screwed up!! i mean like majorly! i did not have enough lunch meat from the deli... and so i know that next week i will need to get more lunch meat when i go to the deli. the cheese is good.. but just need more meat... so let me tell you what i did.. tottally upset with myself right now.. i had taco bells zesty chicken bowl with water.. and theni had a del taco macho chicken barrito which i had two bites of but was to spicey threw that away and go a classic chicken burrito which is not spicey at all and that was soo good with powerade... later i had a ice cream float with maybe 2-4 oz of soda.. so not to much soda.. i did have a tottal of 4 waters today.. but im not going to be down on myself..i know what the problem was... and im so going to make sure its fixed tomorrow so it doesnt happen again.. also i think there is something else there im not sure what it is.. but feels like a lack of something.. maybe its just me but i feel like im missing something.. i just cant put my finger on it! anyways i will eventually get there.. and i cant wait till i can get a new hair do... a cut and color!!! woooo hooooo! anyways thats my conffession for tonight.. i did bad but back on track tomorrow.. off i go now! ttyl!

Well its been a few days... they have gone pretty well I went shopping and have made myself every meal when I'm hungry! I can't believe I actually have not eaten any fast food in 3 days! That's truly amazing in it self I mean I have never ever gone that long! K maybe once or twice but not because I wanted to. I have not run out of vedgtables but the turkey and pastrami I got I did not get that much but maybe I should have! But I did have some amazing lunches not because they were all that wonderful but because I did it myself! And I'm sure eventually ill feel a lot better too.. Right now though I've got a headache! Just looking at the screen or bright light in general is killing me! I think ill go take some advil! I think its cause I'm not drinking soda anymore... its a caffeine headache I don't know anyways, hopefully it'll go soon! Ok off to work now!

day one of plan!

Ok plan is just wrong ... lol its not a plan its my life! So day one of new me! New and improved? Maybe.. Lol ok anyways I went to grocery store today! I bought veddgies and surprisingly very little fruit but that's ok! That's what toms farm is for there stuff is always fresh! And usually on the cheap side! But anyways I got cantalop, strawberrys, bell peppers, tomatoes, broccolli, and apples... ohh onions limes and lemons oh and baby carrots! some of that is for salsa that I'm going to make tomorrow! Anyways I was so good.. I didn't have any soda.. Just water and a poweraid...and yes I do have a withdrawl caffine headach! But anyways made myself a small salad... with some peppers some onion some tomatoe! And added a bit of dressing u know salad spritzers.. It was ok oh and I had a few carrots too! Again nothing spectacular but it was ok! And because I have white bread I got one piece out put a slice of swiss cheese some lettuce pastrami, lean turkey and tomatoe with mayo was sooo good the sandwhich that is! Oh and I had an apple later on.. And in between I'd say 2 and 6 I had the yoplait whips I had two of those.. I was hungry that's the problem with "good" things is to much of a good thing is bad lol so need some self control! But otherwise I did pretty well.. But I think somethings missing to... ahh that's it the craving for something sweet like ice cream! But no I will be good! I will be able to get my hair cut and possibly colored? And I will feel good! Patience is key here something I need to learn! I won't back down on this I need to do this for my health! Well I'm off to bed! Night night!

ok im starting on a new path well sort of new.. im hopein ot get a job at walmart but only for a few months to pay off some bills but i cant let myself get stuck there.. this is only temporary for a few months to get things settled and where they should be.. and then go back to just the one job!! this has to happen along with eating healthier.. so i can move past this time where things are iffy and im not quite sure where i stand to be where i can stand on my own pay my own bills and live on my own two feet even if its stillin my moms house..i can say i pay all my own bills and that ive got money in savings.. my goal is to pay off those bills.. and learn to be responislbe and im going to set a goal for myself i think..i have not had my hair done in a long time.. in one months time i will change my hair if i have done well... and i will blog everything that happens.. so that yall will know... and i can keep accountable because really if i dont have something or soemone to keep accountable to itll never happen... so here it is..

goal: start to pay off the bills, eat at home, and be healthier as a person

reward: is to change hair style

responsibility is really long word!

so its been a few days since i blogged here.. so here is my blog...

ha u know i can never type less then a few sentences.... but i have so much going on right now.. you know on the brink of disaster and all i can do is raise my hand and say ok... its me ill fix it.. dont yell dont scream..i ant stand that..i have made my own disaster thats the reason i take responsibility ive turned everything a mess..it didn't have to be a disaster not even close to it.. but i turned away and decided i would not look i would just simply turn a blind away and pretend it wouldn't come back to haunt me.. and of course it has i should have known better.. not that i have anyone in my world to tell everything to... no advisor or best friend willing to lend an ear because im always the one lending an ear and i really dont mind that so much.. what i do mind is that i haven't any one that i can safley and comfortably turn to. id rather not pass my problems to others id rather keep my problem myself.. what i didn't look at was that when you let your problems go and just hold on to all of them and you dont ask for help because maybe your to afraid to ask for help  is that your problems can spread to others because of the attitude you develop because you become so stressed that its ridiculous.. maybe im not fun to be around because my attitude is bad..i think its bad im a little edgy sometimes.. but not often usually im very nice.. and kind.. who knows right now.. maybe getting back on track with real life is what i need to pull myself up and take responsibility for my own problems... and deal with them... accordingly.... maybe ill be able to be a happier person.. i would tell you what i think personally but thats to deep for this blog so ill leave it at that if i become a little moody with you... ya know why.. i am a little bit moody... and a little.. lot ... stressed.. and just a tad ok alot emotional... well i need to go clean something..