*sigh*

You are beutiful.. Gorgeous I see u there right next to me.. Stunning u are.. Not perfect but very nice all togeather 30 u might be maybe mid twenties, and what a sight too see.. A crush I have on u somo
Eone I don't know.. Your eyes a soulful blue.. We bump once or twice move away and sit down again.. The brush of bodies the electric charge of ur eyes and the static between oh yes ur perfect a walk to the cars ur voice I smooth oh yes.. I could see u.. And I watch you leave.. Time to move on.. Can't have everyone!

light and dark

In a box, tucked inside. Nice and safe on all sides. Darkness gather no light shines here. This is where I reside within this safe little box tucked inside a place to hide. Its small and pale maybe a little stale but this mine, my hiding place. I'm locked inside. no way to escape. In darkness I reside its most comforting inside....
The darkness it makes me pail. It crowds my light on a grand scale. I try to push it aside this darkness I feel No this is my place where light reisdes, I won't be put inside where its cold and stale. I'd rather stay warm and stay in the light and make darkness hide. This is warmth its where I reside and its most frightening to my insides

Do you ever wonder why your just waiting.. Sitting down stagnet stuck where you are.. I often wonder the same thing.. Why have I become so in active... so not particpatory.. I mean I could list reasons excuses.. Etc.. But I won't I know its because of my own laziness that I've gotten to be this way.. I need to find something to hold my attention... to keep me trained on one thing or even a few so I can keep moving forward and not feel like I'm moving back... I think the next step I need to take is to find a second job. Something a few hours a week part time and doesn't take to much time but keep me busy... I need busy movement I mean at my job we move we stand all day long.. but we are not always actively busy or doing anything.. Hmmm what to look for! Anyways.. Its like.. I need to talk to someone.. Someone who won't mind if I tell them the truth the whole truth ya know everything quite out in the open... like right now I feel sick I just ate, so why do I feel completley sick.. And like I want to throw up.. And I wonder if I'm going to get my period soon but I don't think so I just feel sick.. I am very afraid to go to the doctor for what they will say to me.. What if nothing is wrong then what the heck why do I feel like this... and then if something is wrong... how will I deal with the stress of that.... but hwat if nothing is wrong then I'm stressing for no reasons .. I know stupid right...

Well I was just thinking.. Ha that's what I always do.. Just think.. I can't help it and certainly can't stop it my minds always on over drive.. It never stops working! I have had some weird dreams latley there a bit disturbing.. Work dreams.. And then people trying to kill me dreams.. They scare me! Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear I won't wake up.. Really nightmares.. Oh I have a Dom.. My Sir.. He's very sweet and nice.. And I'm slowly learning and that suites me just fine! He's patient and kind if always truthful to the core.. He won't ever lie to me this I know.. If I want a better oppinion I should never ask him because he will tell the truth! I don't think that's bad!
Anyways latley I've been in this zone.. In this I don't know what to do or where to go or move place.. Like I'm standing still and I can't make up my mind in which direction to move... but I'm almost content to be lost.. Because seriously what if I don't like myself! I mean I already don't.. To naive to fat to ugly those are negative oppinions there are parts of me I love like my eyes.. But everything else can change! I wouldn't mind! And I'm not lying to myself I look in the mirror and I don't know the person staring back at me... sometimes its depressing and sometimes ignorance is bliss.. But I can't do ignorance for long.. Its very rare I look and say I am happy with it all when deep down I'm not.. I'm working on changing that.. But its going to take some time... I hope ill be able to see the results cause everyone can say all they like but until I see the differnece its not going to matter one bit..I don't like being un happy its not an attractive appeal to anyone.. And its hell on the heart

I'm just saying

Love never ending, never stops giving. Timless and classic the word love is a beutiful thing. Love is a circle its inter connecting and interlocking. You can't tear love apart can't pick it to pieces. Love is hole it remains strong true it has its weak moments but really love doesn't have the weak moment people have the weak moment when they question love. If you pick it apart enough sure enough it'll disappear.. If people would just stop picking at there love for each other. Stop questioning it picking it apart till its dead then people would be fine.... its true we all need passion driven purpose vision to keep going but its all interlock with love.. If you pick apart love then surly the rest will fall apart to... think of strong steel rings binded interlocked with each othereach one has a sepertate meaning.. And somewhere they are all interlocked with love... you can test those rings pull them as hard as you'd like.. But when loves invovled not often can they be pulled apart not if the love is real... I mean realy real.. It makes those binding superman strong.. You won't be able to pull them apart and u won't be able to break the tie that binds... I'm just saying what a nice concept right.. If you have that strong love for it and you trust in it and you believe in it.. And u don't pick it apart.. Then your love will hold strong and fast through the test of time from day to day.. I mean I'm just saying!

last night i went to a bon fire and i with friends. all around me people i care about. i of course knew this but i was so into my book. as people came for the bonfire i kept reading hearing comments, i would laugh occasionally and push on. i must had an intense look.. someone commented that i must have night vision. it was getting dark but there was a bathroom.. ok it was not to far away but far enough.. i was just really into my book... i was sitting by the pit that they started the bonfire in and it was happened to be almost in front of the group.. it wasn't like we were sitting in anything like a formal circle i just happened to be there.. as the flames rose higher.. ok really not to high i was staring at the flames .. great fascination for something so dangerous. by this time i had stopped reading i really couldn't see anymore. i did not converse much with other i just didn't feel like talking. i in the first place did not want to go.. but i missed them and there company. gas is really to expensive anymore to take into account emotions or feelings.. but whats done is done and i cant take it back now.. i did enjoy last night. i talked with a friend for a little while.. it was great being able to talk with her.. shes sometimes my guiding light when i cant see my way through something.. that was so precious.. but i left still feeling like there was something missing.. and i know exactly what. myself thats what was missing.. two parts of me that refuse to meld together.. my social side and my quiet side.. they refuse to get along.. so im either.. uncharacteristic and talk to much or im to quiet..its really a delicate balance.. people notice they do when you talk to much versus your quiet self.. who knows maybe ill achieve that balance.. someday.. i know i tell myself that too.. someday... anyways so i was staring into the fire and realized that im going to smell like smoke today, and i do then i looked beyond to see my friend sitting by her boyfriend.. not something many people know, and not something i knew until she told me herself.. and i knew what a great match. i told her so to.. what a wonderful match they made. they were sitting there he tending the fire she leaning back in a chair.. and i saw it infront of my eyes.. what an amazing couple they will make. now im not planning there wedding or anything just yet.. but alls im saying is they are beautiful together they flow seamlessly with one another.. its something to see when you meet your destiny.. and all fits well toeather.. only someday do i hope to achieve that.. that meeting of destiny.

in my mind

somewhere throughout my mind is this nagging thought that i ned to clean my room. of course the thought is correct, as currently i am procrastinating and doing an A+ job at it! Have i mentioned i do not like cleaning... i mean really who actually likes people.. for some it invigorates them or helps them think. or it relaxes them! it does none of these for me! i can not concentrate on anything andas im cleaning even with music blasting in my ears my brain works steadily to and focuses on all the things i do not want to think about. about all the things that make me want to not be alive.. i mean really cleaning is not supposed to do that to you.. but me cleaning it does.. thats why i hate cleaning so much.. i am forcd to think weather i want to or not. its not fair.. arr lifes not fair

im so sick of it too.. im sick of life. im sick of being lonly of always wondering.. of wondering what will happen next and wo will be nxt and how am i supposed to get from here to there without tripping and falling... metaphorically speaking anyways.. 

the problem these days is my overwhelming emotions.. i could nearly kill myself everyday.. but i know better. i know who i am.. and i know that its not right.. i couldnt kill myself if wanted to.. have a break down yes.. run away.. ohh that i am real good at.. but take such drastic masures that i could never do.. because im to sain.. well almost to sain.. i cant help it.. sometimes i want to be the one allowed to have a melt down.. i want to be able to break down and just let it al out.. u have no clue how much i just want to go away.. and if i could go away forever i would..i would go away and go crazy forever..so i could just be away.. away from everything and everyone.. 

but i have no where togo. and no where to run to.. and that wouldnt be responsible of me to do that. and heaven help if once in my life im not responislbe.. but i must be.. i am only responsible for myself and my own actions.. and so it shall always continue..ill always be the one that left to deal with her own emotions. because noone in my real would or could understand my feelings.. or want to.. and they wouldnt get the lonliness i feel.. they just wouldnt get it.. 

anyways .. as for being responsible.. ineed to go pick up my clothes and clean off my bed so i can sleep.. im very tired right now.. and a bit worn out.. 

There's a song I really like.. One its got a good beat to it, and the sng itself relates to me in a way...

Anyways the song is about a girl that is going to be 31 one and she has a cat yes just one.. But howshe thought that she would be so much further in her life and her goals and now she's turning 31 and time is ticking basically

Its about how she thought shed have a life kids a mini van a husband... but she doesn't

.......

That is not what I want.. To be in her position.. I wana be married with kids.. Have a loving husband etc.. That's what I want.. I don't wanna be the single person with a cat.. Turning 31... and have nothing but whatever carrer I have.. I want to have it all.... I hope one day I will.. And I know its not going to happen in two seconds.... but maybe someday it'll happen!

Somewhere in the haze of things, of our own thinking really we come across a thought... one that triggers us to think more.. I came across a thought today...

My thought was what submission means to me....

As I was kneeling for my punishment.. A not at all fun task... with clothepins on my nipples and my pussy lips.. I thought what submission means to me... I found out it means a lot to me...

It means that when you ask or are assigned something you do it with everything you are.. It means that you don't just kneel with the clothepegs on, it means you kneel in the proper fitting way with the proper posture and the correct mindset... it nearly made me cry this thought...

As I was kneeling there and this thought crossed my mind.. I sat up straighter laced my fingers behind my neck pulled my shoulders back and reapeated I'm sorry Sir... over and over.. I added in other things like please forgive me Sir.. And I was wrong Sir I'm so very sorry.. I will do better Sir... I felt as if I was in trouble... don't get me wrong I was in trouble but I felt like he was there behind me shaking his head in utter disspoitment... but as time went by his a smile played over his lips and his mood lightened and when I finally stood up stretched and took the clamps off he would have been there to ease the pain... RR or also know to me as FS I know would have been right there carressing my sore nips and my pussy lips making the hurt go away and giving me a kiss before warning me to follow directions next time...

Submission is a powerful thing.. And it can go deep within a person... I want to learn how to deepen my submission so that when things come up arrise and its a question of doing it or doing it right.. That no matter what I always do it right.. That I always put my all forward without hestiancy or delay...that's just my personal goal...

umm ok maybe not so much with the following the task thing.. ha who said it would be easy though right! well today i woke up cranky.. just a little.. my stomach was pounding, my head was pounding. well, anyways my mom came home with taco bell. a double decker taco, just one, and a dr pepper, left over from what she ate. she asked me if i wanted it. i hesitated i swear i did!then i grabbed the taco and the drink and headed for the sofa. I scarfed that sucker down and ooo it was soooooo delicious, and that dr pepper was like tasting heaven! oo with each sipful i thought this cannot be real.. hmmmm mmmmm mmm.. yummy! anyways i polished it off... and for what i ate for the rest of the day......... nothing.. absoulutely nothing.. i dont know why i could go to the store.. but i havent.. and what have i drank today.. nothing absoulutely nothing.. besides the dr pepper this morning.. 

i swear im so bad on my days off i dont eat much at all! in fact i rarley eat at all.. i just dont think about it.. it doesnt cross my mind untill my stomachs pounding.. but then i dont eat even then. i may tonight i dont know.. i havent made up my mind yet! i still have chores to do though so probably wont... i dont know.. and im in the middle of a stimulating conversation..

more on that later

for now im going back to stimulating conversation.. hehe! its fun!! bbl!

make it or break it

You ever feel a knife stab you.. I'm being literal yes I mean really stab you.... now imagine that pain... yes it would hurt.. Ok it would be dire.. So let me explain, the last day or now 2 days I have had this comming and going of knife like stabbing pain in my upper right side under my breast and just down a fraction or so and close to my side but still on the front I think at least.. It last for a little bit a few minutes sometimes more, and its pain pure pain radiating in that spot, and I get nasious.. Its not fun, least I never throw up, but it brings me to the verge of tears, especially if it happens back to back, I try to be strong and not show pain, but I do go even more pale then I already am when I am in pain....or when I hurt like that.. And then it goes away slowly but it does go away eventually.. And then nothing just leaves me slightly nasious and sensitive in the side...I can't afford to go to the doctors and have it looked at.. I already owe them, and I truthfully I'm scared.. Honestly can't be completley honest but ya there other emotions going on too.. But scared is a big one..and I don't know how I'm going to get through this but I will! Tomorrow I'm going to start eating completely healthy... for the task, but I'm going to see how it goes, and I hope if well ill be able to keep it going and maybe this will dissapear! Who never the impossible has happened before, I just hope I can make it to the otherside before I break....

mmm... life....smile :)

Well life takes interesting twist and turns.. And when you think something is going to go one way it goes another way, and yet throws you off balance.. And it gets this way, over and over again... its like a great wind comes up and knocks you around and just when you about to stand still, another wind comes, I'm not saying its bad sometimes its good. It invokes change, and keeps us moving and on our toes... and I'm on my toes. What can I say... my life is full of wind.. And I'm constantly changing and making new descisions that are vital to make for my life... most times I don't like making decsions.. Only cause I can never make up my stubborn mind..... very hard to explain... I'm indesisive is all I can say oh well... ill be lucky to find someone.. And happy to do so when I do.. The right person will come for me.... on to more topics though.. I'm going to task this week for the entire week.... I don't remember all the elements of the task.. But I am sure its going to be hard for me to overcome some things like eating out .. I'm absoulutely horrible at that! I eat out almost constantly! Though I don't need to... I do anyways.. Anyways this task focuses on that.. Its exciting I think that's where I wanna learn to.. To be able to do something that isn't for my pleasure but soley for someone elses... I was reading a performer task.. And the things she was doing in this task were not for her, she did not do them for herself, and little if no pleasure was granted her.. But she did it and came through niceley.. That's what I want to do at one point.. Get to a point where I will be able to do anything for the sole pleasure of another without giving in or giving up... to bring a smile to that persons face whoever it may be, wheather I want to do that thing or not, I want to be able to be at that place that I would do it.. Well u know why by now, to do it because it pleases them.. Anyways I'm just being repetative now.. I don't know why its so hard for me to do tasks well to pick them... to write them is hard and a challenege but I do enjoy writing task and having others perform for me... that's rewarding I think..... I just have to get to that place now, where I can say completely and without doubt yes I will do that, because its for you and not for me... when I get there I don't know but eventually I will!.. Though it may be a hard journey there... I will one day find my place wherever that may be..........

just pondering

So I'm wondering is it wrong to hold something against someone for something that happened 10 years ago.. Its not that I hold it agains her or him in fact what happened happened and nothing I feel or say can change that and I don't dare ask the what if questions.. What ifs never happened.. But I mean come on couldn't she at least be decent...treat me as if I'm 23 and not 7...couldn't she show a certain amount of respect have a certain amount of morales... I don't want to be invovled with her but I am she is my step parent after all.... but I don't know I just think if I could rid her from memory and keep my dad but the memorys are entertwined and you can't get rid of them after all I only wish to get rid of the negative ones... the latest was a door sstopper for her it irkes me just to think of it the fact I wish to tell her off so much but keep a poliet dialogue anyways! How I stand it I don't know.. Did she think she was being kind I don't think so.. I think she knows exactly what she is getting into my grandparents treat me as if im7 too its frustrating for everyone to see you as a child except for my moms side of the family and my aunt uncle on my dads side who know the whole story and get what I go through... they know the ridculousness of it all and how frustrated I get! My aunt has been my hero letting me vent as much as I want and then giving the best advice she can and it always helps! I love her so much! As much as I love my mom even.. She is like my second mom.. Without sometimes I think I'd go crazy! I love my dad so much.... and I hate knowing what the cause of my parents break up was even at 23 it breaks my heart 10 yrs ago.. So sad.. A moment I won't ever forget ....but I guess sometimes we've got to think and write about these things to get it all out is what's important right I may want to strangle my step parent but I won't ... some say I love to freely or openly or to much I say I love just right.. And in my own way I love my step parent I really do its just hard to show sometimes!! Well I think its time to sleep..night night blog until next time!