a submissives feelings are different from each submissive.. my feelings are strong and they show strongly.. im emotional sometimes overly so.. and i take things to heart.. pretty much everything.. yes i have my own devilish side.. but most times its not a very strong one.. im compassionate and kind.. i cant do things without thinking them threw... its crazy... how i over-think and things come in to my head possibilities.. sometimes its fun to be imaginative and sometimes not.. 

my heart was broken today.. after an hour ok it was a little less.. i knew nothing would happen.. it couldn't happen to nervous to knotted up in my stomach nearly sick.. he didn't understand he apologized but i couldn't possibly go through with anything today.. it just was not possible... i was barley able to convey how i was feeling and still he didn't understand it was hard..i did decide to  take a leave of absence from a place i love... its fun loving learning place to be.. pretty much everyone there is very kind..  but right now i have to calm down emotionally to do reports and write tasks and do tasks... i cant let whatever is churning in get in the way of any task i do or task i write or report on it! so ya... thats my post! ill be back eventually to there just for a week or too i need to take abreak.. i look forward to going backt to that place!!

another day in paradise

Well its another sunny southern californian day! And I'm hot burning up really! That's how hot it is.. Iknow I know I should love this weather but I don't! 65 to 70 is just fine for me.. And right now its like 85! Way over my comfort level! But its ok I guess working and all and at least with people I like and not people I can't stand lol! Anyways so last night I had some really weird dreams... I really can't wait to go on vacation dreaming about people... from work.. Its more of a nightmare really! I mean the dreams haven't been quote bad dreams just ya know when I'm not at work I don't want to think about it let alone dream about itits really not acceptable! Lol like I have a choice! Anyways ya so well see how today goes hopefully well! And I get to see a friend I haven't seen in a long time! So excited!

unsettled

unsettled now. i  got home and i thought the top lock was locked or that my brother was keeping me out as a joke anyways so i pounded on the door till he opened it... so of course he yell at me i said i was sorry  i used  the wrong key it is dark out side and i couldnt see so what was i supposed to do.. today he said i was useless and im starting to feel that way. im useless with everything i do... he knows just where to hit and how hard.. and it hurts me more then he will willl ever know or i will ever tell him..  ok well back tonight so my mom woke up and came out yelling at both of us and threatened to kick us both out so of course i got upset at that too.. after being duely yelled at doesnt sit well with me.. i dont think they understand how fully they impact me there words hit so close to my heart and its like i cant deal with it anymore.. and i cant vent to them cause they will just think that i am crying for no reason or they try to rationalize it into a cute little box saying im just bein emotional but im not just being emotional.. it really does hurt me and impact me in such a way  that they will never know just how much there words hurt me. everything i do and everything im scared of is hit with a get over it ... like im terrified of insects and of course i wont go near one and what does my mom say well kill it just get over it.... i dont think she realizesjust how much i cant just get overit.. its not something i can just get over... everyone just tells me to stick it out  be brve.. do they realize that i am not brave and i cant just get over it.. its not how it works.. if i do something i have to think it through i dont just do it .. when i make a decsion there is lots of thought into making that descion if i hurt someone it sticks with me. if someone hurts me.. yes i remember but i forgive easily least i tink so.. and i think because of the way i am.. i easily hurt.. words can crush me.. the old saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.. that not true.. words hurt.. and people dont even realize quite how much until the damage is done. latley ive been so good at blocking myself off from emtionsof any kind and just let myself be happy and try to keep going in that direction.. and then comes a words that hurt and it breaks me down so much.. i mentioned somewhere.. i will not say where just somewhere that i was having trouble focusing.. i have been getting more side tracked then usual.. i cant keep my mind focused on one thing.. its like im drifting and havent found a place to land yet.. i need to focus on something.. anything but something positive i think.. itstead of always being over whelmed by negative things and burying them behind a mask constantly if i had something positive to focus  my attention on  then maybe i could let all that negative stuff go so im not dwelling on it ya know... ok deep breath i feel better.. ok not really its all still there.. but for now ive cried my last tear.. tears give me headaches.. till tomorrow

lifes a mess

So even though no one would really consider my life a mess... I do.. Its a disaster! Ok for me at least.. I act really well like everythings fine and good and that I'm not at all stressed.. I've learned to put aside how I am feeling deep down so that I can have a life ya know.. But really it some times is like it wants to come out so much but I won't let it because I've got to be able to remain a whole person u know not just little pieces of me... moving on I've got to work tonight no use dwelling over my own reklessness
Ok so I've been working out and will continue to do so but my eating need to follow I have lost not one poud! How the heck is that possible two plus weeks and nothing??? I think I really need to change my eating for it to work.. I'm determind to do so I have to! Its really not an option I've been getting sick lately internally my stomach at least and it comes out well mush! Its not good and does not feel good! Ok well I will be back! Work soon again!

working out... all working out

Well I've started working out.. I think I'm in my second week.. And oh boy am I sore.. I know this is good for me.. But it does leave me tired and drained though I have this strange kinda energy and I notice I have a little bit more energy at work that's if I get a good night sleep! Well I didn't last night so I am drained today! But I am ready for class tonight and can't wait to get started!! I wonder what people would say if they knew I took this crazy class! Would the be pessimistic that I even took it.. Or would they know I was telling the truth only time will tell.. I do need to start eating healthier I'm thinking about switching to salads ceasar and other stuff to put in salads and vitamins.. Need to start with the gym though and I'm really happy with my progress and my faithfullness in going and not giving up.. No matter what I can do it!!!

ignoring my room like its the plague!

have you ever thought of the small little things that control you.. im talking about your fears. those things that you cant stand to see to touch to smell taste touch or hear. For example, do you avoid going to the doctor because you have a fear of needles, or even a fear of doctors. or do you purpsefely not go to your best friends house because they have a snake, or even a dog because you fear them.. well my fear is of spiders and i am missing out completely on a few hours of sleep because there is one little spider in my room.. i mean im afraid to even go into my room xcept maybe from the door way i man i have the worst fear of them. it all most makes me physically sick to even think about going in later to get dressed.. and the hard part is that i dont know where the spider is now so i might not sleep for a few day or at least wont sleep in my room because of this litlle ok oto me larger then life spider is crawling around somewhere.. why cant it be like charolotte and talk to me and be like its ok dont fear me.. but no im am  afraid and now i cant sleep just to even think about it gives me the kreeps! i dont know what  to do now cause i cant go enjoy my bed.. and i was enjoying myself before.. wink wink.. and sleep so now im stuck at the computer blogging because ive got a big does  of fear.. no not coward ive killed spiders efore but the moment leading up to the kill was and is always a moment of dread  because im afraid of them.. and i dont like going near them at all... but i am so tired.. maybe ill try and go lay down........... on the couch........... i told you im afraid what can i do nothing... but try to avoid them at all cost

ohh what a feeling.......

suffering for beauty..... yes that is what i have done today.. i suffered horribly.. lmao ok not really i did go to the gym for like the first time ever and then after i felt the pain running from my shoulders all the way to the tips of my toes i came home laid down for an hour or so... then went and go a double double from in n out burger and fries and large or xl dr pepper.. and it wasss soooooooooo good.. boodylicious good ohh i enjoyed it so much next time i cant do that but it was delicous and i so loooovvveeeed it!!!! next time i wont though cause i know its bad for me and im sooo tired right now ready to fall asleep as my legs are ready to fall off! i did a total of 36 minutes overall at the gym tonight and even though i ha he burger and fries im damned proud of myself thankyou very much its a big accomplishment ok and now im pooped bed here i come!!