make it or break it

You ever feel a knife stab you.. I'm being literal yes I mean really stab you.... now imagine that pain... yes it would hurt.. Ok it would be dire.. So let me explain, the last day or now 2 days I have had this comming and going of knife like stabbing pain in my upper right side under my breast and just down a fraction or so and close to my side but still on the front I think at least.. It last for a little bit a few minutes sometimes more, and its pain pure pain radiating in that spot, and I get nasious.. Its not fun, least I never throw up, but it brings me to the verge of tears, especially if it happens back to back, I try to be strong and not show pain, but I do go even more pale then I already am when I am in pain....or when I hurt like that.. And then it goes away slowly but it does go away eventually.. And then nothing just leaves me slightly nasious and sensitive in the side...I can't afford to go to the doctors and have it looked at.. I already owe them, and I truthfully I'm scared.. Honestly can't be completley honest but ya there other emotions going on too.. But scared is a big one..and I don't know how I'm going to get through this but I will! Tomorrow I'm going to start eating completely healthy... for the task, but I'm going to see how it goes, and I hope if well ill be able to keep it going and maybe this will dissapear! Who never the impossible has happened before, I just hope I can make it to the otherside before I break....

mmm... life....smile :)

Well life takes interesting twist and turns.. And when you think something is going to go one way it goes another way, and yet throws you off balance.. And it gets this way, over and over again... its like a great wind comes up and knocks you around and just when you about to stand still, another wind comes, I'm not saying its bad sometimes its good. It invokes change, and keeps us moving and on our toes... and I'm on my toes. What can I say... my life is full of wind.. And I'm constantly changing and making new descisions that are vital to make for my life... most times I don't like making decsions.. Only cause I can never make up my stubborn mind..... very hard to explain... I'm indesisive is all I can say oh well... ill be lucky to find someone.. And happy to do so when I do.. The right person will come for me.... on to more topics though.. I'm going to task this week for the entire week.... I don't remember all the elements of the task.. But I am sure its going to be hard for me to overcome some things like eating out .. I'm absoulutely horrible at that! I eat out almost constantly! Though I don't need to... I do anyways.. Anyways this task focuses on that.. Its exciting I think that's where I wanna learn to.. To be able to do something that isn't for my pleasure but soley for someone elses... I was reading a performer task.. And the things she was doing in this task were not for her, she did not do them for herself, and little if no pleasure was granted her.. But she did it and came through niceley.. That's what I want to do at one point.. Get to a point where I will be able to do anything for the sole pleasure of another without giving in or giving up... to bring a smile to that persons face whoever it may be, wheather I want to do that thing or not, I want to be able to be at that place that I would do it.. Well u know why by now, to do it because it pleases them.. Anyways I'm just being repetative now.. I don't know why its so hard for me to do tasks well to pick them... to write them is hard and a challenege but I do enjoy writing task and having others perform for me... that's rewarding I think..... I just have to get to that place now, where I can say completely and without doubt yes I will do that, because its for you and not for me... when I get there I don't know but eventually I will!.. Though it may be a hard journey there... I will one day find my place wherever that may be..........

just pondering

So I'm wondering is it wrong to hold something against someone for something that happened 10 years ago.. Its not that I hold it agains her or him in fact what happened happened and nothing I feel or say can change that and I don't dare ask the what if questions.. What ifs never happened.. But I mean come on couldn't she at least be decent...treat me as if I'm 23 and not 7...couldn't she show a certain amount of respect have a certain amount of morales... I don't want to be invovled with her but I am she is my step parent after all.... but I don't know I just think if I could rid her from memory and keep my dad but the memorys are entertwined and you can't get rid of them after all I only wish to get rid of the negative ones... the latest was a door sstopper for her it irkes me just to think of it the fact I wish to tell her off so much but keep a poliet dialogue anyways! How I stand it I don't know.. Did she think she was being kind I don't think so.. I think she knows exactly what she is getting into my grandparents treat me as if im7 too its frustrating for everyone to see you as a child except for my moms side of the family and my aunt uncle on my dads side who know the whole story and get what I go through... they know the ridculousness of it all and how frustrated I get! My aunt has been my hero letting me vent as much as I want and then giving the best advice she can and it always helps! I love her so much! As much as I love my mom even.. She is like my second mom.. Without sometimes I think I'd go crazy! I love my dad so much.... and I hate knowing what the cause of my parents break up was even at 23 it breaks my heart 10 yrs ago.. So sad.. A moment I won't ever forget ....but I guess sometimes we've got to think and write about these things to get it all out is what's important right I may want to strangle my step parent but I won't ... some say I love to freely or openly or to much I say I love just right.. And in my own way I love my step parent I really do its just hard to show sometimes!! Well I think its time to sleep..night night blog until next time!

Alright I'm done... ok I'm not done, but I'm putting and end to it! I will not be so down anymore.. Ok its hard not to be when u want to cry! But I'm picking myself up! I won't let a bad day get to me or someone throw me off line.. Ok I might but I won't stay down for long! I need to work on how I feel emotionally I think that's the key. My emotional thoughts and feeling, I mean I know how I'm feeling, I need to find a way to deal with the ups and down I go through... like today I was at work, and it was a long day! It has been a really long three days saturday sunday and today monday we had a sale and the kids are screaming my manager is going quietly crazy, and I am super stressed out! Only because I leave for NY soon and I have no laundry done and right now I am so worn out its 630 pm and I'm in bed taking a nap before I do laundry I leave thursday morning I must be insane I am officially anywya son my last break I just started to cry cause the people and the stress and my manager and oiy vey! It was a super yucky day to work! I'm so glad I am home now! Anyways ya I'm done though back to sleep now!

Isn't that everything... a great song by danielle peck! Love this song its good I think at least!

Moving on.... lol

Age 23
Notes: 2 years away from the age when I can really do everything according to california law... I.e. Being in a car with a minor as a driver, and renting a car :)

Another good song sucks to be you by danielle peck awesome song to!

Hobbies / interest: reading romantic books, turbo kick boxing, kayaking.
Notes: turbo kick boxing is fun, but can be dangerous if not stretching properly.. (Hits head).. Kayaking hurts my shoulders and back if I don't do it for awhile, but I love it so much I do it anyways, romantic books I love getting lost in them letting my mind weave fanstasies and interlace with the plot and get rid of stress... its like I could get lost in a really good book for hours and not even notice where the day has gone! Love that feeling

Better get to living by Dolly Parton another awesome song!

Favorite food: mmmmmm chicken and dumplings they way my grandpa fixed them! Was so good!
Notes: if I could only have that till I died I would but only the way he fixed it sooooo goood!

Weight: ..5 u don't need to know this.. Its sad enough to know
Notes: I'm working on it! Turbo kick boxing gets my heart pounding! Though I think I'm going to have to add situps in there though that is a very painful process!

Should've said no by taylor swift I like this song too! Lol!

Interesting tidbit: I love driving...
Notes: not so much that I'd do it professionally but enough that on my days off I could really just drive anywhere and get lost with my music blasting!

Something you should know about me: I may have a quiet voice but I can be very loud..
Notes: it all depends on the setting I'm in and if I'm mad or angry with you and about what!

Our song taylor swift! Yep love this song too!

Favorite music: country
Notes: country music is so telling cause some are talking about real life issues like love and stuff!

Favorite animal: I love my do
Notes: she is so adorable... rest in peace to my dog simba! But my maya she is pretty and lovable and I love her as much as my previous dog! Both toy poodles well maya is a minature the other a toy but so cute!

Heaven heartache and the power of love by trisha yearwood! Another good song!

just tired

I don't know how to describe my feelings at this point there all so confusing.. I so want to be the cheerful girl who does everything with a smile but its hard when all I want to do is cry... I've cried more then once today and while at work at that! My manager upset me, more likely I let her upset me without saying anything... I know my emotions and actions are my own they belong to me and no one else... and only I can make sense of them... but sometimes I want to let myself cry and I try to just let myself cry but I can't seem to anymore I cry for like a few minutes and then I buck up stop crying and go back out there charging life full force... sometimes though I need to stop and take a step back from where I am and analyze what's going on... and I have stepped back today and saw some things I didn't notice.. Like the fact that my best friend seems to be slipping away from me.. That I haven't taken my health seriously, that I have backed away from people I love because I don't want to hurt them, more like because I don't want them to see that I'm hurt.. And my eyes tell everything I'm an open book and very easy to read... I hate that about myself.. I can't keep it all locked away cause I am so readable.. Its almost uncanny how readable I am.. I hate that part I wish sometimes I could hide behind a mask so people wouldn't either on prie or two get hurt because I am hurt.. Ya know.. Anyways.. Do u understand my emotional distress point right now! Its bearable but barley! And soon I think if I'm not careful I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!

learn grow and adapt

Well todays another day.. And its not better or worse then yesterday, ok a bit better cause I've gained a few personel insights and I like when that happens! Anyways I was just thinking about me and a friend of mine, I think we have grown apart, I know this happens, but never imagined it would happen to us.. She is my best and I can't help but wonder if were supposed to move on from each other and not be bestys anymore and not forget but move on and that saddens me because she gets me.. I hope she feels the same that I get her but I don't know, I miss hanging out life has pulled us in opposite directions and its hard to bear! I know to some its not a big deal but for me it is, she means a lot to me.. And as much as I know that life moves on and pulls people apart maybe this is one of those growing stages where you learn and except and adapt I don't know.. Going to work now though!