oiy vey!

I'm having a bad day! Talk about bad times.. I ahvent done to my knoweledge one thing bad at work.. And I got written up.. I say what the heck inside my head of course.. I sat there and nodded and said okay and got reamed out yet again
And I couldn't help it.. I am super emotional person I cry easy.. And my manager said.. And well what is up ..... when I talk to you you always start crying.. I in a quiet and low voice said nothing is wrong I am fne... I really am just super emotional.. I hate feeling like I am not comfortable at work... I don't like this job.... I will not kill them with kindness.. But I will not be mean to them... I will simply keep being quiet not saying a word is best or saying as little as possible.. As long as my legs do not give out.. And I don't break down crying.... and no one yells at me... please just a little while longer... then I willl be fine.... I can't wait to go home... despite that I need the hours... I just wanna be at home right now and sleeping would be nice too!

new tactic

Since I've done everything I can do to be complient at work without going all shy and stuff and not saying anything well I'm going to try to be quiet as described below.. No choice really... I have to... to protect myself... I hate doing this especially because I have a friend or two in there... so I will do what's got to be done.. And do the silent thing.. Well see how it works!

my descsion

Its alright its just my pride
It hurts inside
And I can't fix it
I can't make it better

The blows you dealt
No fault of your own
All my fault
it hurts deep inside
It won't go away
It lingers like a bad taste

Oh just to make it go away
Now I've got no choice
Holed up inside
Through a choice of my own
But not really
Quiet and shy
Drawn inward
Holed up so deep these feelings go
My heart hurts right now.. It just won't let go
I've been here before
But this was the final blow
I did my part
I played the roll
I was stabbed in my back and
I didn't even know
The choice to choose is one that I have to.. I have no choice really
Quiet and shy I will be..
Reverting back
Drawn back in
No choice left
I tried to be myself
It didn't work
I wont try again
Better to be safe
Then let ur heart bleed
Better to be nothing
Then to be broken again
I won't say a word
Ill keep them inline
When they talk to me
Ill quietly answer
Shy and reserved
They won't know what happened
They won't have a choice
They'll deal I suppose
Its hurts so bad..
I chose this road.. Now I choose another
Where its peaceful and quiet
My light will not shine
How can I let it
Its been put out
No way to retrieve it
So here I go now.. Ill be an angel
Ill do as they ask
With a yes sir a yes mam
No they won't know what hit them
I'm starting over now
A quiet reprieve
From all the fire
I'm through now..
Its over
Done
No more to go
I'm through I'm finished
My pride out the window
And me... well who really cares anyways
Off I go now
Its going to be a long day

You know sometimes in life u just want to curl up and cry your eyes out and then u want to die... that's how I feel tonight.. I just wanna cry... and today I cried.. I mean I cry pretty easy but u know there's the kinda crying where you just can't help but cry and it kinda just flows out.. Then there the crying where something happened.. (Good or bad) and u cry for like a minute or too it relases just the tiniest amount of pressure for u to be able to pull it all togeather again.. Then it just stats to build up again... that's how I feel I cried tonight because a customer decided to have a raging fit because of something that happened.. I being the nearest employee and the one who happened to be in chatrge of the area at that moment got the brunt of the yelling and the other poor kids and parents near the area over heard.. I don't like being yelled at..it seriously hurts my feelings... and with everything adding up it pushed me right over the edge but then I went and cried three more times after that... u know u need a really good cry when something that happened drives u to cry a few more times... its so annoying to my tears I swear have acid in them because it makes my eyes and sin around my eyes hurt.. Sigh can't do anything about that... I'm so tires... and hoestly I'm hurt.. Not physically but emotionally hurt.. My heart hurts my head aches... and its not like I have the choice to step out for awhile... or be removed I'm not a kid I have responsibilities... and that just makes things tougher.. Makes the hurt worse... I miss my own smile my own happiness with the world... everyone used to comment me on my smile that I had a big smile and I was always o happy... and I always shined no matter what I was wearing.. It didn't matter... because the inside matched with the outside and I was sooo happy.. I don't know what happen... to that person to that happy carefree girl.. She dissapeared.. And in her place is a women crushed by the weight of responsibility and of the world... and the best she can do is live each day as best as she can with no one to turn to.. Not even her mom.. No one to hold her to cry on anyone shoulder... that's me.. I'm not trying to complain its wrong to complain I've got so much I'm so blessed.. I've a family that loves me.. But it doesn't make the pain less or go away.. I can't breathe.. With no air.. And no one to hold me up and be there for me.. To make sure I breathe each day... in and out I try so hard.. But sometimes its so hard.. And I can't explain.. Its to hard.... right now I just can't breathe

*sigh*

You are beutiful.. Gorgeous I see u there right next to me.. Stunning u are.. Not perfect but very nice all togeather 30 u might be maybe mid twenties, and what a sight too see.. A crush I have on u somo
Eone I don't know.. Your eyes a soulful blue.. We bump once or twice move away and sit down again.. The brush of bodies the electric charge of ur eyes and the static between oh yes ur perfect a walk to the cars ur voice I smooth oh yes.. I could see u.. And I watch you leave.. Time to move on.. Can't have everyone!

light and dark

In a box, tucked inside. Nice and safe on all sides. Darkness gather no light shines here. This is where I reside within this safe little box tucked inside a place to hide. Its small and pale maybe a little stale but this mine, my hiding place. I'm locked inside. no way to escape. In darkness I reside its most comforting inside....
The darkness it makes me pail. It crowds my light on a grand scale. I try to push it aside this darkness I feel No this is my place where light reisdes, I won't be put inside where its cold and stale. I'd rather stay warm and stay in the light and make darkness hide. This is warmth its where I reside and its most frightening to my insides

Do you ever wonder why your just waiting.. Sitting down stagnet stuck where you are.. I often wonder the same thing.. Why have I become so in active... so not particpatory.. I mean I could list reasons excuses.. Etc.. But I won't I know its because of my own laziness that I've gotten to be this way.. I need to find something to hold my attention... to keep me trained on one thing or even a few so I can keep moving forward and not feel like I'm moving back... I think the next step I need to take is to find a second job. Something a few hours a week part time and doesn't take to much time but keep me busy... I need busy movement I mean at my job we move we stand all day long.. but we are not always actively busy or doing anything.. Hmmm what to look for! Anyways.. Its like.. I need to talk to someone.. Someone who won't mind if I tell them the truth the whole truth ya know everything quite out in the open... like right now I feel sick I just ate, so why do I feel completley sick.. And like I want to throw up.. And I wonder if I'm going to get my period soon but I don't think so I just feel sick.. I am very afraid to go to the doctor for what they will say to me.. What if nothing is wrong then what the heck why do I feel like this... and then if something is wrong... how will I deal with the stress of that.... but hwat if nothing is wrong then I'm stressing for no reasons .. I know stupid right...