sleep... who.. me?

So let me explain that title.... I've been going to bed latley sleeping for a few hours and waking up and staying up and then going back to sleep hours later for an hour or two.... its just not good for me.. I need to sleep for 8 hours straight.. Anyways and I'm a little fearful to sleep to because I dream everytime I sleep... and not always good dreams just weird mostly and I don't like them.. Because it causes me to not sleep.. And I don't know and now I don't know if I can sleep.. I don't know... sigh.........

So I haven't been able to sleep in days... well not like actually not sleep but not sleep as much as I should.. I woke up today at 230... I checked some messege for the org... and then chatted a bit.. And now though I'm tired I'm staring off into space.. I don't know what to say... I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't spoken with my Master in a few days.. But I know why I haven't.. And I know I shouldn't worry so much he is an adult he can take care of himself.....but I can't help myself I do worry.. I'm a little less worried now chatting with friends has helped and a convo I had this morning helped tremendously... so that still doesn't explain my lack of sleep... maybe its to much stress.. U know everday life stuff.. Its getting to me and I'm experiencing sleepless nights because of it... I honestly don't know... I think I might take today to just rest.. Honestly I'm worn out and I don't have a good enough reason why.. Except not sleep well and dreaming to much... and some stress. Well anyways.. I think I will try and sleep again now.... maybe I will be able too!

Umm well today I woke up super early like 330.. I was so horny that and ihad to go potty.... my stomaches not feeling so great.. But anywaysim not allowed to touch or feel.. Except for hygenine of course..and I've been good but its been hard... and its keeping me awake... I finally read a story and actually it was an intense story.... but it calmed me down so much.. But now I can't go back to sleep... I hope I will be able to soon.... online relationships are hard to maintain and kee up with.. Especially when ur Master lives a gazillion miles from where you live... and you'd give almost anything to be with him... and its funny ok not really how much sometimes I need him... just his soothing words or his voice.. He is so calm and understanding... it nearly makes me want to shiver.. But anyways moving on... I chat with him nearly everyday even if its just aminute or two and I hate it when he leaves.. But I know this is the time where I need to be strong and independent even when somewhat relying on him... see I love him so much that I tend to want to just lean on him... but he does not want someone who cannot think for herselves he wants me to be strong and independent and grow and learn and respect and stuff like that.... ill get they I will.... one thing that this punishment has taught me is thati need to be more open and honest I can't be closed down and only share part of myself with my Master.. I need to share my whole self with him the good the bad and the ugly.. I plan to post maybe not him maybe just an email to him exactly what that is because I'm just relaizing... I need to and want him to know everything about me not just my needs and desires... but all that other stuff too! Mmm yess that is food for thought...

my punishment pictures 9/08/08

this  is my punishment from my Master for not keeping a clean room and for not telling him and finiding out from a alternate source... 50 lines hand written.. that say "Master I will always keep my room clean for you" while im doing that 10 minutes with a clothespin on my tongues and 10min with it off... Im very sorry Master i will do better.. i have 6 more days or so of this... 50 each day... and those clothespins hurt.. i had a very hard time focusing.. espeically cause i had to use the bathroom while i was doing it..... thankyou for punshing me Master i know i deserve it and i will remember this lesson always...  oh yes and i am not to touch my pussy at all... until my Master says... 

just another bad week... maybe next week will be better...

well today youd thnk it all be better.. i mean it was ok.. work was extremeley long.. and im dreading tomorrow.. its not just simply another day.. its another daaay long tedious day at work.. and i dont know.. im tired.. i think im going to sleep soon.. i miss someone alot and that person knows who they are... and i hope everything is ok with that person.. anyways.. umm i cant think today. my week has been a disaster.. the drs wasnt so bad.. but still i dont like drs... 

moving on... i need to get away.. where i can do nothing and worry about nothing.. and be stress free... and thats not going to happen because its not logical or practical.. and actually its just fantasy land that i really want so bad to just do nothing ... and be stress free ya know and hope it goes away or just to stay away forever.. but again i know that thats not an option.. and it wont come true... anyways... kinda just shrugs my shoulders.. and hopes i gets better at some point.. not much i can do about it now anyways... 

Have u ever felt like ur anger is just to the bursting point... its like right there on the edge of blowing your top... that's where I'm sitting at.. Tonight on the way home.. I thought about all the way I could possibly get into a car accident.. Could o a slide and maybe a topple.. Or maybe I could crash into a pole.... then maybe throw something my phone... the lights in the house.. Throw everything.. And just explode.. Just go off... that's how I feel I could throw something break windows.. Go to town just loose it... literally I've never felt it so strong before.. Just the urge to get in a car accident jump out of a window.. Slam a door.. Slam a phone.. Break a phone... just completley loose it.. Cause I'm at that edge where its one thing and it will be over the top.....

Teetering on the edge
A very find delicate edge indeed

Teeter totter
Back and forth

one sides safe somewhere to go
The other not so pretty

Its dangerous down below

On the edge
A very fine delicate edge

A shake of the head
On sneeze of the nose

Its enough to set me over
To who ever knows

To send me over the edge
Toplling right over

This pain is to much for me to bear
I can't take it much longer

Its the final straw
I'm falling over the edge

And I just don't care..

a day :(

I very well may be fired.. And I just have to learn to except that as that's how it will be and there is nothing I can do to stop that from happening... there is a lot boiling around right now.. And my head is practically spiining... and right now I'd rather almost die then face an angry manager.... or my mom or dad or brother... any family I want to crawl up in a whole and just slip away... maybe everything would be better without me.. And my body would not feel so much pain.. Just maybe