Ok no kidding I'm sitting here in my car in a car parking lot space not doing anything well now I'm writting on here but feel a little crappy right now and a little tired to I might just go home and sleep....but I'm slightly hungryu but really tired and I really don't want to go home I know my mom will want me to do something and I'm really not in the mood....I love her lots but right now I think I just want to sleeeep...

the way i feel

so .... i have not written in here in a while... i think its hard now to write.. because when i do i remeber an important part of me that is not anymore existent and i dont think can be.. an important person is not part of my life..and it hurts alot... to just feel like your not cared for at all and that you were just left out... to let someone control you for so long its hard... then they dont respond to you.. its so cold... i dont know how to explain it.. im more hurt then i want to be i think.. i need to work on that.. not letting myself get hurt..

but moving on i cut my hair.. and i like it alot.. and i feel better now that i have done it.. and started to alter the way i live a little bit.. just a better way of life.. anyways.. i think im going to go now.. ttyl blog.. maybe even tomorrow ill hop on and write a bit!

Do you know the worst part about wanting a relationship and not having one because of distance... is that it falls apart... I always let myself get attached and I have to pull myself away and it becomes a very painful process.... but other then that I'm doing ok... I miss I'm just going to say you... I miss you... and you know who you are.... I miss you very much.. Even if you never talk to me again or want nothing to do with me... I will still always miss you.... and that I very much care about you.... and I think will always... just let me know you are ok....

Well moving on I stop being a member of the org today.... I withdrawled so much I didn't feel connected or use ful any more.. And there are so many memories there and I will miss it... but I guess life is leading in a new direction and I should probably lead where it takes me ... no matter where it is.. I hope I will still be able to have contact with the people at the org....and that even though I'm not a member there anymore that they will still talk to me...

Well I guess ill go now.. I don't usually like to ramble to much..... well sometimes I do.. But this is where I get all my talking out.. I don't do much of it in real life no matter how much I have the capability too.... off I go for now....

fights and other dramatic stuff!

i wonder what would the world be like if there was no fighting everyone just got along... sure things would get done but honestly i wonder if we would be better if we did not fight so much. fighting just brings on hurt and pain i think. i prefer not to fight and not to witness one.. and when the apology is made sometimes its followed by more fighting i prefer to go for a walk... i dont like being in the middle of such a tense situation.. but theres more to it then that.. i dont like seeing people hurting... theres always hurt on both sides for the one who started the confrintation and the one on the other side who got hurt. its always hurtful no matter the apology that is made its always tense no matter how its delt with it sizzles almost visibly in the air... and i wonder exactly how long it will sizzle till it blows up.  ok those are just my randome thoughts.. other then that i cant believe i am actually typing my finger is killing me ight now.. and id giv anythng for it to just go away.. i was stupid and instead of hitting the tennis ball i hit my finger and no not with the net like part but with the hard outter rim.. and it hurts like hell.. 

ok i really need to stop typing nowso off i go! 

just waiting

well ok ok ill officially say im starting to get sick.. i think it has at least  a little something to do with my work and how stress of life and stuff there just getting to me. i took some tylenol cold nightime right now so ill go to sleep pretty soon.. however what is nice is i have to make it through wednesday and thursday then i have three days off in a row! so that will be super nice.. and i can rest up then hopefully.. i keep refusing though that im sick because its better to believe your not sick... sometimes positive thoughts can help.. but when your a bit down and out it doesnt help.. anyways im going to go lay down now... and you know what my brother is sick to... and kids at work coughing on me.. and sneezing doesnt help ... ok im going to fall asleep any minute now! goodnight..

***

 I have lost myself and I don't know how...

I am on the edge ready to fall..

the break downs coming I can feel it building

the tears are ready their just waiting 

right below the surface I am ready to break

its all coming down to this moment

if I survive this fall.

lost, lonely, and not caring.. diet.. is so so..

ok so update on my diet.. which i hate to call it.. its not just one time for a short or long time.. its a change you know.. eating t home and stuff all the time from now till the time i die.. but anyways its a life long thing hopefully if i can stick to it.. so in my past journals blogs whatever you can see exactly where i am mentally speaking but physically im still adjusting to the change..  dont think im so much addicted to the fast food more like now i dont care if i eat or not.... dont get me wrong i love  the taste of food.. more as i dont care to eat.. maybe its just right now.. the only thing that keeps me eating is the fact that i get intense headaches if i dont eat.. and we all know not eating is as bad as eating badly.. the fact is i just dont really care.. there i said it.. well i care about certain aspects of it.. but right now i dont care to eat you know what i mean.. its just not a pleasing thought.. and i have to eat in order to keep healthy in order to have any energy to work.. but its like i dont care anymore... i said that a billion times now.. but the fact of the matter is i just stopped caring.. i dont know what it is... i never quite felt like this before this lack of caring for anything at all... oh i still care.. but just about certain things ive let go now... .. anyways ive been ok.. either i eat to much or i dont eat enough.. i had some fast food the other day because i did not make lunch for myself and i found i was really hungry and the headach was nagging me so i ate taco bell.. ive done pretty good with the  no soda thing.. i have it eery now and again.. but not a whole glass of it or anything maybe a few ounces which is better then huge large sodas twice to three times a day.. so i guess u know im on the right track.. as i said.. its become one of those things that just doesnt matter much right now.. anyways im off got to get ready for work soon i think ill take a shower.. maybe ill feel better...

a continuation of the post below

So a challenging week it has been for sure.. One I can't say I was ready for.. My energy is at the ground.. When u loose that will to live I guess and be productive u loose ur energy to.. But I have to say this too.. Its not that I've lost my will to live... but that driving force I usually lack its just not there anymore.. I know I talked about this... but litterally I can't place it I feel somewhat empty.. Not hurt or something like that... but more there's alarge part of my hearts that's missing I'm just not sure where its gone too. So what does a a girl do when she doesn't know what to do when she has lost herself to something but she's not sure what and lacks the passion and the drive to move forward.. If ur thinking well this is an intense subject well u would be right it is... its almost if I'm drawing a blank and I'm trying so desperatley to fill it or I have but now I've just given up and it wasn't by anymeans a concious choice I mean I just realized it today... and u know I've learned other things that placing blame is no good... its no ones fault but my own.. My raising my upbringing my parents my co workers my friends on line and off haven't a thing to do with it.... I created my own problems I'm my own person and I have my own problems to deal with as my own... I used to do that lay blame in fact I can go back and look to see where exactly I did lay blame.. But not so much anymore.. Its my fault and I know it.. Now I just don't know what to do about it... ill find a way I certainly usually do.. But the way out iof this maze well lets hope I've got a compas to use because there's lots of twists and turns and no internet resources or handy cell phones to help solve anything....