woo hoo i changed my blog up.. different colors.. different feeling to it.. just right for me... soya im happy with that... :)

well ok.. i got my PE or personal evaluation.. no i didn't get a raise.. i know i totally suck!! but whatever.. my manager said she has seen improvement and that because it was signed in october she could revaluate me in january and i could have a possibility of actually getting a raise.. which rocks!!

on a kinda bad note she said some stuff that kinda maybe me think twice.. at first i thought maybe it was just her.. but knowing my manager a little better now.. its not it was true.. i drifted somehow a month ago she said i wasn't the same person.. i never laughed or smiled anymore... i wasn't doing my job and i was in a constant state of un happiness... and she said i had seemed to be depressed constantly.. but this last month my mood has changed i seem to be lighter and brighter and more cheerful.. and i work better with the customers and deal with my stress better... what worries me is i must have slipped into a depression i wasn't aware of..  and i don't want to do that again.. 

but what's good is she said you seem to work well with my peers now.. and that she doesn't get anymore calls complaining about me..  so thats good right.. i hope i think.. i just need to keep it up..  and not get stuck again.. she also mentioned that i would build up for a time and do really well and then id just drop the ball and do nothing.. also that i need to take more of a leadership roll... and i couldn't disagree with her... its true.. i always wait until someone tells me to do something.. i mean like not picking up paper from the ground thats a given.. but doing stuff during the day.. im just not good at taking action.. and she said some stuff that really kinda hit home.. that i so wasn't aware that any one else knew.. was that i am just not confident.. i just don't believe in myself.. and i don't know if i ever will honestly... i mean ... how do you believe in yourself when there is not much to believe in.. honestly i haven't got any special talents... like D for example.. the worlds greatest english major.. can write an A paper.. girl rocks at english.. and is a fashion queen.. maggie.. she is trendy.. and has a special way with kids like i have never seen.. 

i guess i don't see myself as being very useful... a friendly face every now and then.. and a smile... i guess its just who i've always been... 

ok and theres this thing.. i get scared when i want to try anything because i mean what if it goes wrong.. and i cant make things right.. and what if i tok initiative and led.. but then i got it wrong..and got in trouble.. and me im terrified of confrontation... i mean i was shaking today right before my PE and during my PE.. i had a rubber band around my wrist and i was snapping my finger and my wrist the whole time we were talking.. my hands get all cold and i get all shaky and stuff... i just don't do management well i guess.. or i guess really confrontation.. i am not the one to calm a fight down.. most likely i will be a nervous wreck... 

and the worst part.. is that i just worry to much and i don't know how to not worry.. ive tried it not worrying.. somehow it makes me worry more... and then i stress out... then i don't know i kinda go hay wire.. ok im going to go read now.. because i think that will calm me down enough for bed.. maybe.. ok night ... maybe tomorrow ill come back and write something more positive... :)

just kinda hurting inside

i havent written here in awhile... and only because i find more enjoying way to write on another site called well nicknamed the org.. this page is a painful representation of what i had and lost by probably half falted at me... i will not deny my blame in that.. but ive taken my break and im moving on... ive even already done some tasks... easy.. but nessary steps to move along my status.. .....

anyways..

outside at work im this happy person... always smiling ... only sometimes faltering.. i dont ever tell anyone the real problem... or whats really bothering me.. i stick close the the cation attitude changes without notice thing.. you never know.. but really people can read me like an open book... i may lie but if they really know me... i dont lie well.. i try to avoid this subject but i thought now ight be a good time to write out about it...

theres something deep inside that hurts when your parents are divorced.... even if you know it was for the better.. and i do.. ive accepted and moved on from that point for a long time now.. but what really hurts is that i wish i had the same loving easy companionship with my dad as i do with my mom. every time me and my dad get togather.. its silent or with stilted conversation.. i cant talk to him.. he doesnt understand me nor does he put the effort towards understanding me. all he seems to really care about are the materalistic things.. like making money and schooling and getting my car to the perfect state of clean... he knows i enjoy books but doesnt know what i like.. i would like to once get a gift from him that was actually from him and not a gift card... and not from my step mom... i would like to see him more then a once every few months.. and i would like to hear from him once in awhile a phone call... every time he calls and leaves a voice mail im like a kid in a candy store.. i stop what im doing and i listen to his message and call him back.. and i just for wish once could feel like my dad actually wanted to connect with me.. not because my brother reminds him that he has a daughter or because my step mom mentions my name.. but because he remembers me and wantes to hang out with me.. i know my dad loves me.. but i want him to take an interest in me.. like i try to do with him... and it hurts to think that as the holidays come and go.. and each year passes.. our relationship remains the same.. a cold distance... and once a while that warmth comes in full throttle and its so nice to be near that but for months at a time it feels like i dont exist to him... just when he feels like being a dad..... its sad really.. i hope that if i ever have kids that my husband will be able to be a true father to his kids and not just a now and the dad.. that i pick the right guy... for me.. and for my future.. last thing i need to be with is something like my dad..

I was just talking to a friend about. A mutural friend of ours... I asked if she would do me a favor because I didn't want to make this person mad...honestly I never know what mood this person is in because I haven't talked with her latley and because things have changed so I feel weird and outta place.. But anyways I bring up that because another thought came to mind..... If u were in a relationship but are no longer... How long do u need to get over it and let ur heart move on.... Part of me truly loves him.... And he is reading this and asking hoimself is she talking about me.. Yez you with ur little pup too.. I love him so much... I don't know how or why but I do... Part of me wants to give my whole self to him again and say I'm urs to use I'm here to serve you and only you.... But another part says but uve been broken hearted ocver this gyt now just move on... It was a good time but on to life now... Question is how long do I let it go on feelig that way with no closure... Ok maybe I'm over sensitive and just wanna make sure he is ok and make sure he's alright but part of me says just move on and though I have moved on I do miss him so...

Ok no kidding I'm sitting here in my car in a car parking lot space not doing anything well now I'm writting on here but feel a little crappy right now and a little tired to I might just go home and sleep....but I'm slightly hungryu but really tired and I really don't want to go home I know my mom will want me to do something and I'm really not in the mood....I love her lots but right now I think I just want to sleeeep...

the way i feel

so .... i have not written in here in a while... i think its hard now to write.. because when i do i remeber an important part of me that is not anymore existent and i dont think can be.. an important person is not part of my life..and it hurts alot... to just feel like your not cared for at all and that you were just left out... to let someone control you for so long its hard... then they dont respond to you.. its so cold... i dont know how to explain it.. im more hurt then i want to be i think.. i need to work on that.. not letting myself get hurt..

but moving on i cut my hair.. and i like it alot.. and i feel better now that i have done it.. and started to alter the way i live a little bit.. just a better way of life.. anyways.. i think im going to go now.. ttyl blog.. maybe even tomorrow ill hop on and write a bit!

Do you know the worst part about wanting a relationship and not having one because of distance... is that it falls apart... I always let myself get attached and I have to pull myself away and it becomes a very painful process.... but other then that I'm doing ok... I miss I'm just going to say you... I miss you... and you know who you are.... I miss you very much.. Even if you never talk to me again or want nothing to do with me... I will still always miss you.... and that I very much care about you.... and I think will always... just let me know you are ok....

Well moving on I stop being a member of the org today.... I withdrawled so much I didn't feel connected or use ful any more.. And there are so many memories there and I will miss it... but I guess life is leading in a new direction and I should probably lead where it takes me ... no matter where it is.. I hope I will still be able to have contact with the people at the org....and that even though I'm not a member there anymore that they will still talk to me...

Well I guess ill go now.. I don't usually like to ramble to much..... well sometimes I do.. But this is where I get all my talking out.. I don't do much of it in real life no matter how much I have the capability too.... off I go for now....