love

soooo... just another day in paradise.. haaa some paradise.. but i guess its ok though honestly... im still alive and i have money in my account so i seriously have nothing to complain about... i could complain but i dont see a reason too..

do you know my favorite symbol of all time is? its  a heart.. its my favorite thing to draw its my favorite thing to see.. do you know why of course you dont cause i havent told you.. its my favorite because its represents love.. even though its a nessary organ in the body and some person with and unimaginable amount of free time uses the heart for valentines time.. its still means love to me... its a symbol with a very strong emotion attached too it.. i love that emotion... love... i of course being one that seems to love easy.. im the one that wears my heart on my sleeve... but you know what i still love it..i draw it on my hand everyday.. thats how much i love the heart... not only is it symbolical of love its a beutiful symbol too... and when you draw it, its never ever perfect... most drawn hearts are very imperfect but that makes it even better and the message even stronger... i know im soooo sentimental... but ohh well.. i love it :)

someday my love will find me.... 

~angel~

wellll i have not written in a long time.. you know  ..... i actually forgot my password and my user name! lol oops!

anyways i finally found something about myself... that i can be quite content no matter where i am in life.. one day i just woke up smiling.. and smiling at work for no reason... and its nice to know that i still can smile for no reason.. and that i dont cry all the time.. 

well my mom has a boyfriend.... and he is over here on the weekeneds mostly.. alllll weekned.. and im so thrilled for my mom.. but at the same time.. its near nauseating too... i mean they go to dinner and to disney land.. and she takes the day off for him... and its cute.. but honestly it makes me soooo uncomfortable to have him here.. i really wish i had my own place.. but then i would be lonely too... but i mean it went to at least seeing and talking to here at least twice a week.. to maybe once a week... maaaybe! i miss my mom i guess.... and its soooo hard cause i sooo want her to be happy and in love and finding someone she really cares about but at the same time i want to keep her to myself... i have never had to share my mom before.. her children have always come first... and its about time she put herself first and find love... i guess its harder then i thought it would be... i always knew she would find soemone.. but i cant just have a girl talk with my mom because he is here... he is a really nice guy too.. i dont know proably just overwhelming emotions from something new.. ill get past it... 

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
And I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
And days drag on
Stupid girl, 
I should have known, I should have known

[Chorus]
That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, 
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive, 
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

[Chorus]
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet, 
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, 
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Here you are your sitting there
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm sooo sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

in the mirror.....

well blog.. i havent really been keeping up on my blogging not because i havent wanted ... just really havent been in the mood to write. latley its less that i want to write and more that i want to cry..ore that i feel alone and that its pointed out to me. i am alone though. i dont have a mate.. or a bf.. or friend with benfits anymore.. i did at one time.. i made some important changes not to my physical person but inside.. i did.. my sexuality that is. i have done it three times. i know astonishing. hahah.. but i did.. and i was happy to do it.. it made me feel umm more experienced for once..like i chose something for once.. no one chose it for me and i didnt consult anyone over the decision i just decided i wanted to and i did.. of course with someone i trust.. ty for that... to him at least... though he does not read this blog he deserves the credit for not making me feel like a child.. but always treating me with respect  and like an adult.. its refreshing... anyways...

i looked in the mirror the other day and i looked and didnt see someone i liked.. i saw staring back at me... someone who was sad and not depressed.. but lost.... and i keep looking at this person i see in the miror and i say to myself.. who is that person.. i do not recognize her.. and that is a sad thought indeed.. i wish i could gain that smile back.. but life happens and people break your heart.. and i dont have a good poker face... it shows in my eyes.. and i cannot make it not... i avoid the mirror.. because i see myself without the mirror a pretty girl.. who is trying to live happily in the world where happiness does not always come easy.. but when the mirror is there i see a person whom the world has gotten to and who is more negative then positive.. and spirit seems a bit dimished... i want to cry so much.... but its my fault... the person in the mirror is me.. and my self image is not good.. its sad to think back and say i used to be able to smile at myself and others... and now others see the change... and have commented on it and im not sure how to get the smiling girl back ... the one that was all innocence and fun times... not the seemingly loner she has become..

lifes not all rainbows and pretty streams in a forest full of wonderful things.. its stess of traffic work and bills.... its bad self image and low self esteem.. its depression and broken hearts... lifes full of drastic and dramatic.. full of doubt and negativety.. and rarley anymore do you see positive things happen.. maybe sometimes it willl happen.. but not often.... someday i hope that will change and we will return to the day when you could still believe in rainbows and pretty streams in a forest full of wonderful things and happy endings... believe that these things do come true.. 

everday it gets harder

to live this life in this time

to dream is a foreign concept

only for those who live in hollywood

gone are the days of rocking chair on porches

and a pretty sunset with your best friend

bring on the traffic and the smog

the politics and back stabbers

its all that is today

its sad for sure 

what will we do 

to get back to that time 

a time of easy strolls on the sidewalk

and a smile for a stranger

for tea time and nap time

for love and passion

for friendship and trust

when will it happen for us to see

true comroddary among all of us

maybe not today and not tomorrow..

but i hope for the future... that it wont be far off.....

woo hoo i changed my blog up.. different colors.. different feeling to it.. just right for me... soya im happy with that... :)

well ok.. i got my PE or personal evaluation.. no i didn't get a raise.. i know i totally suck!! but whatever.. my manager said she has seen improvement and that because it was signed in october she could revaluate me in january and i could have a possibility of actually getting a raise.. which rocks!!

on a kinda bad note she said some stuff that kinda maybe me think twice.. at first i thought maybe it was just her.. but knowing my manager a little better now.. its not it was true.. i drifted somehow a month ago she said i wasn't the same person.. i never laughed or smiled anymore... i wasn't doing my job and i was in a constant state of un happiness... and she said i had seemed to be depressed constantly.. but this last month my mood has changed i seem to be lighter and brighter and more cheerful.. and i work better with the customers and deal with my stress better... what worries me is i must have slipped into a depression i wasn't aware of..  and i don't want to do that again.. 

but what's good is she said you seem to work well with my peers now.. and that she doesn't get anymore calls complaining about me..  so thats good right.. i hope i think.. i just need to keep it up..  and not get stuck again.. she also mentioned that i would build up for a time and do really well and then id just drop the ball and do nothing.. also that i need to take more of a leadership roll... and i couldn't disagree with her... its true.. i always wait until someone tells me to do something.. i mean like not picking up paper from the ground thats a given.. but doing stuff during the day.. im just not good at taking action.. and she said some stuff that really kinda hit home.. that i so wasn't aware that any one else knew.. was that i am just not confident.. i just don't believe in myself.. and i don't know if i ever will honestly... i mean ... how do you believe in yourself when there is not much to believe in.. honestly i haven't got any special talents... like D for example.. the worlds greatest english major.. can write an A paper.. girl rocks at english.. and is a fashion queen.. maggie.. she is trendy.. and has a special way with kids like i have never seen.. 

i guess i don't see myself as being very useful... a friendly face every now and then.. and a smile... i guess its just who i've always been... 

ok and theres this thing.. i get scared when i want to try anything because i mean what if it goes wrong.. and i cant make things right.. and what if i tok initiative and led.. but then i got it wrong..and got in trouble.. and me im terrified of confrontation... i mean i was shaking today right before my PE and during my PE.. i had a rubber band around my wrist and i was snapping my finger and my wrist the whole time we were talking.. my hands get all cold and i get all shaky and stuff... i just don't do management well i guess.. or i guess really confrontation.. i am not the one to calm a fight down.. most likely i will be a nervous wreck... 

and the worst part.. is that i just worry to much and i don't know how to not worry.. ive tried it not worrying.. somehow it makes me worry more... and then i stress out... then i don't know i kinda go hay wire.. ok im going to go read now.. because i think that will calm me down enough for bed.. maybe.. ok night ... maybe tomorrow ill come back and write something more positive... :)

just kinda hurting inside

i havent written here in awhile... and only because i find more enjoying way to write on another site called well nicknamed the org.. this page is a painful representation of what i had and lost by probably half falted at me... i will not deny my blame in that.. but ive taken my break and im moving on... ive even already done some tasks... easy.. but nessary steps to move along my status.. .....

anyways..

outside at work im this happy person... always smiling ... only sometimes faltering.. i dont ever tell anyone the real problem... or whats really bothering me.. i stick close the the cation attitude changes without notice thing.. you never know.. but really people can read me like an open book... i may lie but if they really know me... i dont lie well.. i try to avoid this subject but i thought now ight be a good time to write out about it...

theres something deep inside that hurts when your parents are divorced.... even if you know it was for the better.. and i do.. ive accepted and moved on from that point for a long time now.. but what really hurts is that i wish i had the same loving easy companionship with my dad as i do with my mom. every time me and my dad get togather.. its silent or with stilted conversation.. i cant talk to him.. he doesnt understand me nor does he put the effort towards understanding me. all he seems to really care about are the materalistic things.. like making money and schooling and getting my car to the perfect state of clean... he knows i enjoy books but doesnt know what i like.. i would like to once get a gift from him that was actually from him and not a gift card... and not from my step mom... i would like to see him more then a once every few months.. and i would like to hear from him once in awhile a phone call... every time he calls and leaves a voice mail im like a kid in a candy store.. i stop what im doing and i listen to his message and call him back.. and i just for wish once could feel like my dad actually wanted to connect with me.. not because my brother reminds him that he has a daughter or because my step mom mentions my name.. but because he remembers me and wantes to hang out with me.. i know my dad loves me.. but i want him to take an interest in me.. like i try to do with him... and it hurts to think that as the holidays come and go.. and each year passes.. our relationship remains the same.. a cold distance... and once a while that warmth comes in full throttle and its so nice to be near that but for months at a time it feels like i dont exist to him... just when he feels like being a dad..... its sad really.. i hope that if i ever have kids that my husband will be able to be a true father to his kids and not just a now and the dad.. that i pick the right guy... for me.. and for my future.. last thing i need to be with is something like my dad..