After or nearly there 2 weeks gone.. I didn't know what to do! I was absoulutley going bonkers... I will not lie.. I was crazy! I can stand a day or two maybe three but I'd really rather not! 2 weeks that's it! Drives me insane! Anyways I was so elated to get ur text I nearly chocked at work.. And had to hide my huge smile from everyone just in case they knew... lol then I guess it wouldn't have mattered.. Anyways.. Ur almost back hopefullu for good can't wait to talk to you I love you Master and missed u so much!!!

random thoughs

so im sitting here in front of my computer simply thinking and i have so much going on in side of my mind that im going to do the whole self implode thing i think.. lol ok im just kidding im not.. but really i really would like to just kinda blow up or at least have the ability to blow up its so much better then be sad or unsure ya know when you dont know where you stand emotionally sometimes its better to be angry but i am simply not able to stay angry for long its just not me.. and sometimes i hate that and sometimes i love it.. because i can wake up in the morning and remember that i was mad but never remember what for and thats good.. but then again i can never have that temper tantrum i so badly need to have sometimes.. i need something im just not sure what it is... maybe its a lack of discipline i have for myself.. maybe its my lack of confidence in myself maybe its my lack of independence.. maybe tis that i love to fast and think later maybe its because i allow my heart to be broken in a million pieces and when i finally put everything back together it just shatters all over again... i ope this is not the case this tie.. i hope my hearts not shattering but thats what it feels like.. it feels like my heart is shattering in a million  pieces again and its going to be frustrating to pick up all the pieces again and swear to myself that it will never happen again.. oh please we all know what a crock off.. that is,...anyways... i know this is not the feel of a broken heart just the weight of it that tightness you feel the worry that loges in your throat the tears you refuse to let fall the thoughts you left unspoken because your so worried that those words will break the delicate balance you hold yourself on.. its like walking across a tight rope with no net below.. and if you say the wrong thing or make a wrong step your going to fall and get hurt.. but im sure i can keep my balance for now ive done it for years right.. i have had narrow misses where i could have fallen but i nearly stumbled the crowd gasped but i caught myself  rebalanced and started again and now im half way across and the crowd is looking at me and probably wondering when im going to break that balance held at the edges... thats the only way i can describe how i feel right now that walking on a tight rope feeling.. not the people so much cause ive got no audience except for myself.. like a million of me looking at me walking across.. and i wonder everyday what i will do.. ok so it makes sense to me! lol only my brain functions this way i swear it!! lol .... ok well theres my post for today!!

Well this week hasn't been any different from the last one... was going to write on sunday but my day passed quickly and I forgot about my blog until now.. So here I lay in bed at 522 am writting..... waiting..... reading...... and waiting some more... I don't know how I feel at this moment.. A bit hurt I guessss... but out of what reason.. My answer none... I have nothing to be hurt about and really should know better myself right... to let myself get hurt and that actually let myself feel hurt out of no reason... well a reason but really just an excuse... my lack of understanding doesn't help this hurt at all but eventually I hope it will go away and all will be right again in the world... sigh.... this too shall pass....

a collage...

sunday post of contemplation and reasoning

ok well here is my weekly post.. ha i post more then that.. but, i digress.. ooo big word.. lol... anyways...

this week has been a sleepless week .. a week of challenges and overwhelming emotions... i cant stand the fact when someone is angry with me or upset with me id rather have everyone happy with everything i do.. now i know thats impossible im bound to let people down.. it happens and i cant do anything to prevent it except do my best.. ive been granted a restart and i hope to make good on that re start.. i hope that i can show that i am willing to do everything and learn from my mistakes and im trying.. ... an assigment from my Master... "go get binder clips... small ones" and so i did. but i think i wont be able to handle them my pain tolerance in my breast is fairly low.. i have a very difficult time with any pain.. so i tested it out.. i do want to make my Master happy.. and so i got my nipple hard.. and gently eased it on.. well i was still holding it i ccouldnt let it go it was already enough pain to make me go.. oh ouch ouch och.. OMG noooo.. that hurts etc.. im afraid ihave failed my Master on this front..i do appreciate him pushing me to new levels.. but i dont know if my breast can take that level yet.. maybe a gradual working up to it? just a suggestion! i am Sorry.. if your reading this.. .. im sorry i cant endure everything for you.. and that i cant be perfect.. ill learn and build my tolerances for you.... again i am sorry. anyways..

my week has been crazy from work to home to life issues.. its one o those weeks you just wanna curl up and cry... but i wont cry.. i will be strong.. and i will push pass this.. i will look ahead to where it is open land .. and open areas.. and clean air and strive to be there from where im at now... after all every one has there problems.. everyone has there stresses and lifes down falls. everyone has an excuse and a reason.. thats really an excuse.. maybe i will learn that i need to live excuse free.. and that this to shall pass... and as i sit here and its all a little over consumming  that my time will come these problems will pass and as i pass through them i will learn something new ... and i will grow as a person... i so hope this will pass through soon and the lesson will not be lost on me.. anyways.. lol

enough contemplation.. thats my sunday entry.. more to come im sure in the coming week.. off to do something maybe like clean my room more.. ohh its coming along. just its a huge task....  im trying..and im going to keep pushing though..... 

love you

love your slut...

I have circles under my eyes dark and horrible looking... the tired I'm out of it look in my eyes... the way I stare into the distance saying I'd rather be anywhere else then here... right here in my living room... at my work in my own room.. Where I want to be... well only one person knows where I'd really rather be.. But I can be.. Well ok others might know has well...... but I am sure that there is deffinetley one that knows or I hope he knows I'd rather be with him then anywhere else in the world I would sleep better... these darkness under my eyes would go away.. I would be complete and happy! But instead I'm here.. And apart of me stays with him.. And u know what I like it like that.!!! In fact I love it like that... and I love him.. Ok enough spacing and dreaming I'm off to bed soon.. Night

sleep... who.. me?

So let me explain that title.... I've been going to bed latley sleeping for a few hours and waking up and staying up and then going back to sleep hours later for an hour or two.... its just not good for me.. I need to sleep for 8 hours straight.. Anyways and I'm a little fearful to sleep to because I dream everytime I sleep... and not always good dreams just weird mostly and I don't like them.. Because it causes me to not sleep.. And I don't know and now I don't know if I can sleep.. I don't know... sigh.........