you know the great thing about this account is that i can write on it whenver i feel like it..  kinda dont right now.. but maybe i do... i had a strong epiphany today about my life.. it was interesting to me because it came while i was cleaning! hahah and its kinda funny because well... i dont ever clean and when i start seriously cleaning.. i brighten up a bit.. heheh! anyways im super tired been working out on my wii doing some yoga and stuff trying to bring my weight down but not only that.. just to feel better to ya know.. its important to me to do this.. hopefully im so sore tonight i might actually sleep.. havent been doing alot of that htese days and i miss it! terribly so! hahah anyways.. i got a job.. should start tuesday .. its a temp to hire.. im excited.. maybe not as excited as i should be .. but its a job right and im really afraid that i might screw up.. oh and i had another ahh haa moment watching ... hes just not into you... ya im that girl.. whos like.. omg he is soo into me.. and then he never calls..and you dont know what to do so you can and leave a stupid message  on his phone or a text or email... and you sit and wait for said email or text.. and it never comes and you get horribly dissapointed.. well.. guys im going to try to stop that! fine your not into me i get it. i give up then! some guy will just have to find me.. im sure i could be a great girl to be with een if im not all stick skinny and stuff!!!  and even if i cant type so well and im not perfect! anyways.. ya i think im going to go read now till im super tired! 

im wondering if anyone out there has ever felt inadequate... thats how i feel.. very inadequate..  for life in general.. like i dont measure up like im missing that key element to things.. sometimes i just wanna throw something.. i feel like people piss me off alot but really it was my fault and i apologize.. i feel like my life is really going no where.. though i am happy.. i guess tonight is one of those blah nights.. i really am alot happier then i used to be! i mean its just life i will find someone or someone will find me.. im sure.. i hope..

well yall i found out how to get my password.. lol.. took me forever though.. so i was going to go to sleep but decided i really wanted to get back on track with blogging.. im so tired right now.. just mentally out there.. not really from any real effort but because i just want to give up but i cant i need to keep pushing forwards upwards and on ward... i know i do its just scary right now.. and terrifying i told myself this year would be full o positive changes.. wo knew all the positive changes would be hard.. i deffintley did not know that.. and now it just is settling in that nothing comes easy for me ive always had to work super hard..and im going to do the same here.. hopefully with my head held a little higher.. anyways i really at least am starting to get tired.. night blog!

Well I remember why I stopped going to church tonight because I went because a friend asked me to go..m don't get me wrong I love my church its a wonderful place.... And the people are amazing.... But I don't have a thing to say and I don't socialize well I just don't... And I just feel weird... Its a feeling that makes me feel weird and out of place and even if no one else notices it doesn't matter I still feel that way and I don't know how to get over that hell I can barley go out with friends from work and be social... Just doesn't happen... On top of that I've had a crappy week and the stress is getting to me... I'm starting to feel nasious and sick and achy I know not good... A sure sign that I need to bring my stress level down.. Well now I'm tired and am going to sleep

a week of shocks...

ok well i have officially had the weirdest week i think there is to be had...

sooo i had been hearing sounds from my moms bedroom with her and her boyfriend which i have more or less gotten those feelings under control but well then i started hearing spankings comming from her room and i dissmissed them at first because well no one really wants to picture someone getting spanked in the next room especially not my mom!!! well i went to breakfast with them today and my friend from NY came and visited and stayed with us (more on that later) but anyways she was like here let me talk to her because she was IM ing me and i was like hold on because her names not appropriate for you too see so give me a minute but then she was like here just let me see so i did and she didn't say anything until she had said hello to her and stuff and then she was like "so why did you think i would say that was not appropriate" i said because your my mom and i dunno your my mom... so ya. and she was like " so she is into S&M"and i said umm ya she is.. (sorry i sounds like a valley girl i swear i use "like" so much when im in real life or i try not too.. haha) anyways so i was totally blown out of the water.. of couse i would never tell her that im into some of that stuff.... but anyways i was really shocked.. i mean in the whole wide world... my mom of all ppl and she is not prudish by any standard... im pretty sure i gave her a shock when me and my friend were taking a shower and playing in the shower and she heard it.. i gave her a huge shock.. she still thinks im straight good thing to cause i told her i was (and dont get me wrong i am... i still want a husband.. but i am enjoying exploring my bi side with a trusted friend) but anyways i guess shock for shock huh.. its kinda creepy in a way though.. and when i found out my mom had sex toys.. well i kinda already knew but i mean i was just harmlessly looking for tylenol one day and i happened across my mom most life like dildo... whew i was aaaa just a bit blown out of the water just a few feet mind you :) ..... anyways... this week has been interesting...

oh yes with my friend that was here from NY... yes she had fun... and enjoyed everything.. even the sweet torture i put here through. im definitely more Domme with her here especially in the bedroom but she is the only one.. besides on other person i feel comfortable with and have the right personality that just brings that out in me.. anyways yes it was a first and soooo very interesting experience i had lots of fun and and hope to repeat the fun some other time ! :D 

anyways ok not to be a bit of a downer but i found out today and i dont know why i didnt catch on sooner is that people are not all they make themselves up to be.. people honestly have trouble. with well honesty... if you have a problem dont have an attitude with me dammit just tell me... im not stupid i sense it.. if your nice to me one day and then rude to me and cold then next something must have happened so just tell me... ok sorry i just had to get that out ive been having some problems with reality latley where it seems to be a shock when people are cold and a bit distant i dont know why maybe i just haven't kept my eyes open lately definitely need to work on keeping my eyes open... no need to walk through fire if i can avoid it!!!!

ok well its midnight now so i think im going to go to bed... thanks for listening blog... 

~ash~

hello blogger!!!

ahh so much to tell.. well right now i have a bad stomach ache.. to many bad foods im guessing!

anyways ive officially had my first girl experience.... a friend fromNY came here for a week.. and we had a blast!!! but anyways... she started tickling me and we got in a tickle war... so i quickly righted the situation... as i am very ticklish... and ohh did i mention she is a submissive herself... welll anyways i grabbed the scarf off the post of my bed and quickly found a way to pin her down and bind her wrists over her head to my headboard.. with that done she was all mine to play with how i chose.. ohh i had fun teasing her... with a very small makeup brush i tortured her body... i slowly undressed her and played with her sizable nipples.. and her pretty  pussy.. i teased her to almost orgasm.. between tickling sucking kissing here and there... she was happy as a clam.. later we took a shower togather washing each other.. i again had her play till she was on her way to orgasm... only to snatch her back at the last second... cruel... or fun... or deslicously cruel and fun!!!! hahha yes it was both and she had a great orgasm... it was fun for all..

the next day.... i had her on her stomach..i used my hand to warm up her rear end this time not binding her... she has been spanked before..so i teased her bottom just a bit.. then i used a combination of my hair brush my flat backed wood mirror and my flogger to turn her butt a nice shade of red.. yes that was sooo much fun... then that night i had her lick and suck on my pussy.. 

the next night wasnt tooo much as we were both very tired.. i gave her a quick orgasm with my hitachi.... she loooooved it!!!!

and that was all that happened.. we both had a blast.. and know that we will hopefully play again in the futrue  i hope i will get the oppurtunity...

with that i am off ....

love

soooo... just another day in paradise.. haaa some paradise.. but i guess its ok though honestly... im still alive and i have money in my account so i seriously have nothing to complain about... i could complain but i dont see a reason too..

do you know my favorite symbol of all time is? its  a heart.. its my favorite thing to draw its my favorite thing to see.. do you know why of course you dont cause i havent told you.. its my favorite because its represents love.. even though its a nessary organ in the body and some person with and unimaginable amount of free time uses the heart for valentines time.. its still means love to me... its a symbol with a very strong emotion attached too it.. i love that emotion... love... i of course being one that seems to love easy.. im the one that wears my heart on my sleeve... but you know what i still love it..i draw it on my hand everyday.. thats how much i love the heart... not only is it symbolical of love its a beutiful symbol too... and when you draw it, its never ever perfect... most drawn hearts are very imperfect but that makes it even better and the message even stronger... i know im soooo sentimental... but ohh well.. i love it :)

someday my love will find me.... 

~angel~